Hansa 7′ Giraffe (Mastermind Toys)
I should buy it.
That would show everyone–everyone who ever said I would never amount to anything. Especially my frenemy Mike from elementary school. He was always calling me “Shorty” when he wasn’t bragging about how much taller he was than me and how tall he was going to be. (His mom measured him when he was two and figured out he was going to be six foot, five.)
“SIX feet, FIVE inches!” he used to shout in random situations. For example, in Math class:
“I don’t CARE what 7 times 11 is, Mr. Johnson. I’m going to grow up to be SIX feet, FIVE inches! In twelve years, I’m gonna kick your ass!”
Heh. This giraffe is seven feet tall.
That’s seven inches taller than Mike.
Can I ride this giraffe?
Yes! It is free-standing. I can ride it.
I am going to ride this giraffe to Mike’s place and say to him, “How’s the weather down there, shorty?” just like he used to say to me when we were eight years old.
“You look like an ant from this altitude, Mike,” I will add. Then, I will laugh victoriously, because that was one joke about my height that Mike never thought of.
But I did.
Seven inches, Mike.
How much does it cost?
Nine HUNDRED dollars! (Canadian)
I’d have to skip out on my rent.
Then where would I live? Not in the giraffe. There are no utilities.
Are there utilities?
No, the giraffe has no utilities.
Ossicones. It’s got ossicones.
What are ossicones?
Looks like…horns. With “tufts of fur material”.
Maybe I could ride the giraffe to escape from my landlord.
Is the giraffe motorized?
No, it’s not motorized.
For $900 it should be motorized.
For $900, it should be capable of flight.
Maybe if I put a harness on it and attach some drones to the harness.
Would that work? How much does it weigh?
Thirty-eight kilograms. That’s over seventy pounds. That’s, like, five Shih Tzus.
So I’d need…six drones to fly this giraffe.
But no. I’m not going to operate it from the ground.
I am going to ride my drone-propelled giraffe through the air.
So, I’d need eight drones.
Can you even use drones these days? I guess it’s legal as long as long as you don’t enter restricted airspace. Even then, you could probably get away with it if you got an open-minded air traffic controller. A very open-minded air traffic controller.
They’d probably still make me file a flight plan, though.
What altitude would I have to fly at to avoid colliding with commercial aircraft?
At that altitude, my giraffe will look like an ant from the ground.
A $900 ant.
Why would I have to avoid commercial aircraft anyway?
My giraffe has OSSICONES.
I will joust with the commercial aircraft.
AND I WILL WIN.
And I will announce my dominion of the skies with…a megaphone. Then everyone will hear me, even over the engines of the vanquished jets.
I am giraffe. Hear me roar!
Do giraffes roar?
…no. They hum and they scream.
THANKS FOR CRUSHING MY DREAMS, YOUTUBE!
Screw biology. My giraffe can roar if I say it can roar.
I am the MISTRESS OF EARTH.
On second thoughts, that makes it sound like the Earth is cheating on her wife with me.
I could do better.
I AM THE MISTRESS OF THE UNIVERSE.
Hmm…now it sounds like I’m the universe’s bit on the side.
I AM GIRAFFE WOMAN, CONQUEROR OF JETS.
Now, where’s my Mastercard?