A Celebration of Life for the Late Minneapolis Target

The Target of Lake Street in Minneapolis, MN went home unexpectedly at the young age of 15 when it was violently burned to the ground, becoming another victim of ongoing protests.

The Target is survived by the Target Corporation, the 8th-largest retailer in the United States; its Manager, Joyce; Assistant Manager, Keith; Guest Services Member, Stacey with an ‘e’; Project Manager, Staci with an ‘i’; and of course, Janitor Bill.

The middle child in a family of 1800 brothers and sisters, Lake Street Target would go on to make a name for themselves as the Target next to the good Wendys. With the help of its best friends: Starbucks, Dollar Tree, and Beauty 4U, all of whom also perished in the fire, the Lake Street Target would help to raise thousands of dollars in its short span of life for the struggling Minneapolis strip mall. However, no matter how much they accomplished, Lake Street Target remained humble.

The Lake Street Target was a reliable and constant support system for those in need. Many who knew the Target recall it having good parking, easy pick up, and dressing rooms with low security. Altruism was also second nature for the Lake Street Target, they became well known for spearheading many community projects like their ‘Extremely Liberal Return Policy.’ It didn’t matter if you needed money for something from three weeks ago or three months ago, the Lake Street Target was there to help so long as you raised your voice to an ear deafening level and came in right before they closed.

A true trendsetter, the Lake Street Target could always be seen sporting the latest fashions like their Jojo Siwa Signature Collection Rainbow Bomber Jacket – now available; or pampering their skin with Hawaiian Tropic sunscreen, which gave them a radiating glow and certainly didn’t make their skin look oily or greasy like lesser sunscreen brands – now BOGO 20% off. Never without a song in their heart, the Lake Street Target was famous for belting number one hits like “Together at Home’ by Kasey Musgraves and “Sunflower” by Post Malone & Swae Lee – available exclusively at Target.com.

A funeral service is scheduled for 1:00 p.m. on June 8 at section E of the Target parking lot. Janitor Bill will officiate. We are asking for any donations you can give to help support the employees in their time of need until the new Target is built on June 10. Toiletries, a sunscreen flask, school supplies, a Bluetooth jump rope, decorative pillows, a giant inflatable flip-flop, prescription glasses, a DVD copy of Ray Donovan: The Final Season, anything you have will be greatly appreciated.

Finally, we ask that everyone in attendance please refrain from wearing black at the service, as to not be mistaken for a potential threat, and instead, show your support by dressing in the Lake Street Target’s favorite colors: Stop Sign red and Middle School khaki. Thank-you and God bless.

Tagged with: