Breakup Registry for the Recently Dumped

Hola, cuties! By now, I’m sure you’ve heard about this monumental tragedy we’re all experiencing, aka Phil and I have called it splitsville due to some irreconcilable differences (those differences being that I’m awesome and fun, and he sucks). And while I’m a #empowered woman, I’m still reeling from this breakupwhich is why I created this Breakup Registry. You can help me #emotionally by purchasing any of the items (preferably all) on this list. 

New Phone Plan My old suitor badgered me into getting Metro PCS with him so that we could have similar phone plans. “I won’t pay for your phone plan but you’re kind of my girlfriend, so I love you or whatever”, he said to me. Well, guess what? I don’t love him anymore and since I value myself and my self-worth again, I need a new phone plan that speaks to that worth–which is why I need someone to purchase a Sprint phone plan for me. 

Eat Pray Love DVD Dear friends and loved ones, please don’t get me the book “Eat Pray, Love,” I only want the DVD! I’m in a very vulnerable place right now and I don’t have the mental capacity to read–I can only focus for 133 minutes at a time (which incidentally, is the length of the movie). Elizabeth Gilbert broke up with her husband and went to sexy countries and hooked up with mysterious men and started a whole new life for herself. Phil hated to travel and therefore the only place we went to was a Texas Roadhouse in upstate New York because he liked stomping peanut shells. Only Julia Roberts can help me now! 

Subscription to Tinder Gold Now that I’m single again the only thing that really matters to me is being back on the apps! I can’t just be a basic bitch, tinder member, ya’ know? All I’m asking, is that you pay the full 150 bucks for me so I can let people know I’m legit serious about casual sex. We’re talking full P in V! My ultimate fantasy is to hookup with a guy who looks slightly like my ex, so that after we’re done rubbing bodies together, I can throw a drink in his face and be like “You robbed me of my youth!” 

Ultra Black Mascara I have legit been crying for one week straight but no one can tell cause my mascara is waterproof! Please help me get this expensive, charcoal-y bougie mascara so I can replace the one I bought for $2 at the bodega. I really need this ultra-black mascara so that when I cry, you can see the tears streaking down my face. We’re talking, inky black lines from my eyes to my chin. I want to FaceTime Phil in the middle of the night so he can see me crying, and when he doesn’t answer I’ll just snap pics of my face and text them to him. Phil if you’re reading this, please text me, I have important news! The news is that “I love you”! 

Matches to Light Pics of Him in a Raging Fire This is a super cheap request yet also very, very vital. I have so many pics of Phil and I going to Texas Roadhouse, doing funny faces in a photobooth, and cleaning the bottom of our boots from stomping on too many peanut shells at Texas Roadhouse. I simply cannot look at these pics anymore! I want to start a raging fire in my tiny apartment like the fire Phill put in my heart, oh my god I miss him so much! 

Voodoo Doll w/needles Alright, I’ve tried all kinds of methods to get the love of my life back but I think it’s time for me to start dabbling in the dark arts. This voodoo doll, while cheap, is rich in endless love potential. All I want is for someone to purchase this doll for me (needles sold separately–so don’t forget to buy those too, please and thank you) so I can tape Phil’s face (his beautiful, egg-shaped face) to the front, and make him fall back in love with me one stab at a time. You know what they say: a stab a day, keeps Phil not away. 

Moving on is so important yet also maybe not necessary because some people live in your heart forever like my sweet, angel Phil. I’d be so grateful if you guys could purchase all these things on my list but also if anyone wants to just text Phil for me and tell him that I love him and I’m sorry I cheated on him with his dentist, that would mean so much!