Thanks so much for joining this Video Conference presentation, ICE Detainees! We here at the CDC want to ensure everyone knows how to Stop the Spread of COVID-19. After all, this sneaky little virus doesn’t care where you’re from! We’ve got some super easy-to-follow guidelines so you can do your part to help flatten that curve and stay safe!
We sent over some comment cards you can write questions on, so gather around the screen — not too close to each other, though!— and please feel free to raise your card whenever you’ve got a concern you’d like me to address!
Number one: Know how it spreads and avoid being exposed to the virus.
The virus spreads person-to-person, so it’s best to avoid close contact with others through social distancing— Oh boy, I see so many cards already! Let’s see… Your bunks are only three feet apart? What about an every other bunk situation? That would get you to the six feet distance we recommend! …There are sometimes five to twelve people in a cell and it’s impossible to be that far apart? …And they’re “cohorting” anyone affected all in one area!? Oh my, my, my. That really is quite bad. That’s exactly what we told them not to do! There must be some misunderstanding! We’ll, uh, have to circle back to that one!
Number two: Wash your hands often with soap and water for at least 20 seconds.
Most people really don’t wash their hands thoroughly or with enough soap— Whoa there goes those cards again!— More than 70 of you share just five bars of soap? …And there’s often no soap left? Or sometimes it’s just not offered it at all? That is certainly not ideal, but that actually segues nicely into our next recommendation!
Number three: If soap and water are not readily available, use a hand sanitizer that contains at least 60% alcohol.
You all most definitely need to keep sanitizer on hand with that soap pickle you’re in!— Oh goodness, more cards?!— You ran out of sanitizer, too? Okay, well, um, how about just running your hands under the water for a whole minute? You don’t have access to clean water? Hmmm, wow, that is… troubling. In that case, don’t touch your face? Or anything at all! Unless it’s soap?
Number four: Cover your mouth and nose with a tissue when you cough or sneeze or use the inside of your elbow.
With the whole no soap, no sanitizer thing, this one’s even more important! Now I know there’s been commercial toilet paper shortages due to hoarding— Oof, what now?— Your facility doesn’t typically provide access to toilet paper anyway!? And you went on a hunger strike to demand some!? Wow. I mean, WOW! Talk about being shit out of luck! On two accounts! I’m sorry, that was… in poor taste. I’m a bit flustered by all this new information! Ya’ll are really catching me off guard! I guess um, just use your elbow, then. Yeah! Elbows work! …You all have those right?
Number five: Stay home if you are sick.
Now, this is a real tough one for you all isn’t it… whoever put this presentation together really wasn’t thinking, were they? Ha! Well, perhaps there’s a way to ask for a temporary release? Yes?— No? You’ve been hunger striking for that, too? And filed a law suit? Can’t your lawyers do something? They’ve been trying since early March!?
Moving on! Number six: Clean and disinfect frequently touched surfaces daily.
We hear its already your job to clean the facility, so this one should be doable, I hope!— I see heads shaking, and up go the cards!— The only supplies you have are a broom, a dirty old mop, and a bucket of water? Well Christ on a cracker, I am really quite bowled over! If only you had a bottle of Tito’s Vodka! There’s some great DIY YouTube tutorials available! Oh, sorry! Of course you don’t have access to Vodka! Or YouTube! Duh! I’m beginning to see just how much I really don’t know! If only I had access to a bottle of Tito’s!!! Hah!!
Number seven: Cover your mouth and nose with a cloth face cover when around others.
Let me guess? You don’t have access to facemasks?! I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised about that— Eek! Still more comments on this one, huh!?— You were peppersprayed for requesting masks? Well, ouch! Yikes! …That one leaves me feeling… a bit speechless?I guess I am out of tips, so, erm, thank you all for your time. This has truly been educational— for me! I’m going to have to go and see about that bottle of Tito’s. …Are you really sure you want to keep living here amongst these assholes who are literally obsessed with wiping their assholes? You’re not? Yeah, well, at this point, who could blame you? If I were you, I’d get outta this shithole country!