Dear Membership,
We hope you are staying healthy and safe during these trying times. In light of the current pandemic, we have suspended all in-person meetings of Passive Aggressive Fight Club. We know this isn’t ideal, but we expect it to be a smooth transition; Passive Aggressive Fight Club has always had a strong remote presence, from text message fights to GChat arguments to passive aggressive phone calls.
Should you choose to maintain your membership (and we hope you do, but like, we really don’t mind either way, seriously, and we totally get it if you need to quit. You do you!) we are gently reminding you to remember the rules of Passive Aggressive Fight Club:
Rule #1: Don’t talk about Passive Aggressive Fight Club
And that’s it.
The rest aren’t rules per se; they are simply addendums to Rule #1. Please review them at your earliest convenience (but like, by EOD would be ideal, but no pressure whatsoever. Seriously, zero pressure. Except it’d be cool if you read them by the end of the hour at the very latest. We know we said by EOD, but the sooner the better):
Addendum #1: If you must talk about Passive Aggressive Fight Club with a club outsider, start with “no offense, but…”
Addendum #2: If a member confides in you that they have violated Rule #1, respond with “It’s fine!” Then proceed to Addendum #3.
Addendum #3: If you find out that someone else in the group has in fact talked about Passive Aggressive Fight Club, please let your Team Leader know immediately by email, text message, or phone call. We’d prefer email, but whatever’s easiest for you. Really, up to you. Begin your message with, “I don’t wanna name names, but…”
Addendum #4: In the body of your email or less-convenient correspondence method of your choice, use “just” whenever you can: i.e. “I was just writing to report so-and-so for violation of Rule #1.” The more times you use the word “just,” the better, but like, do whatever you want. You don’t have to take our advice, it’s just…as the leaders of Passive Aggressive Fight Club, we do know what we’re talking about. Just saying.
Addendum #5: Not to be bossy, but you should also at least make a concerted effort to end your sentences in these correspondences with “or whatever” or “but what do I know anyway?”
Addendum #6: If you cannot adhere to our request to please email your Team Leader and simply must contact them via text message (we understand that texting can be faster, but like, how hard is it to write an email?) follow up with “JK!” and then a non-confrontational emoji, such as the thumbs up or the two hands slapping in a high-five that looks like a “thank you” gesture.
If you made it this far, know that we truly appreciate you for taking time out of what we can imagine is a very busy day in quarantine to reacquaint yourself with our rules. We are all looking forward to the day when we can resume our ’bouts via Post-It, glares across the room, and snide whispers, but until then, we’ll “see” you at our virtual meetings.
Oh, you didn’t get a Zoom invite? WEIRD. Must’ve gotten lost in the shuffle or something.
No, we didn’t leave you off on purpose! Our phones have been acting so weird lately.
Best,
Passive Aggressive Fight Club Leadership