Hey Gal Pal! We hope you are #stayinghome, like the Isolation Idol we know you are! Are you Instagram ready and hot to the male gaze or are you being a basic quarantine peasant? Take this fun quiz to see if you have what it takes to be a Quarantine Queen!
1. Good morning, Lockdown Lady! What’s the first thing you do when you rise and shine?
A) Pin curlin’ that hair for my weekly Instagram Live sesh where I play Belle & Sebastian songs on the ukulele.
B) I force myself to sleep until noon because then the day is halfway over in my mind.
2. Hey there, Beverage Bae! Whatcha slurpin’ on?
A) I’m drinking a latte with my favorite Mary Oliver poem scribed in steamed milk made from my barista grade espresso machine.
B) Red wine. I am never not drinking red wine during this hellscape.
3.Time to raid that closet! What’s your fave boss babe outfit to work at home in?
A) I choose a cream colored bespoke jumpsuit from my favorite Brooklyn shop.
B) I wake up in stretched out Old Navy leggings I’ve worn for the last week and I do not plan on changing.
4. Hey there, Movin’ Mama! When you take your daily walk outside do you…
A) I color coordinate my face mask with the latest Yeezy outfit debuted at New York Fashion Week.
B) I don’t take a walk outside because I am too scared, but I take a walk in my studio apartment in a circle, which amounts to about five steps because the apartment is so small, for fifteen minutes until I start crying.
5. Artsy gal! What are you creating?
A) I’m just putting the finishing touches on my first novel about how I finally found the masseuse best suited for me. The novel is published on all organic hemp paper and handwritten from an artisanal inkwell.
B) A black and white scrawl of the world biting my face.
6. Clean Queen! How do you quaran-clean?
A) I deep clean every corner of the house with all organic luxury cleaning products. No dust bunny is safe!
B) I’m marinating in my own filth until the rotting stench of fried food is unbearable, forcing me to throw myself into a steaming hot shower until my skin screams for relief.
7.Chow time, Chica! What are your dinner plans?
A) I enroll in an exclusive online workshop with Alison Roman on how to perfect my sourdough starter.
B) I get a full pizza from Seamless and pretend my friends are eating it with me even though they are not there.
8. Time for those evening escapades! What spicy adventures do you have planned?
A) I’m keepin it sexy on a Zoom date with former runway model and previous hookup, Jacques.
B) Fell asleep eating chocolate chip cookies while having a panic attack.
9. Werk it you Weekend Warrior! What’s your big outing?:
A) I have a sexy online dance party with all the hottest IG influencers.
B) The days have all blended, isn’t it Tuesday? My only plan is to over order Chinese takeout, scrub each container down incessantly with sanitizer wipes, and binge-eat orange chicken into a blackout state.
If You Got Mostly As: Congrats! You are a Quarantine Queen!
Gurl, you know how to quarantine right! You are looking hot, feeling good and repressing the fact that the world is a dumpster fire around you! You keep up those feminine values!
If You Got Mostly B’s- You are a Sequestered Sourpuss!
Aw, honey, nice try but not quite. Quarantining should be hot! Could you maybe try to be a little hotter? If you’re not trying, what else is the point of being a woman? Otherwise get ready to wither away into nothingness because no one cares if you’re not hot, and there’s nothing worse than being invisible during a quarantine!