At Long Last, I Have Cracked The Food Bloggers’ Secret Code

weeknight – at least 60 minutes but could come in at 3 hours

family-friendly – bland and uninteresting

old family recipe – I don’t know, maybe Velveeta and like, cranberries but definitely, WOOF

holiday – definitely cranberries

Greek – has feta

Texas, or Tex-mex – has cheese, barbeque sauce, ranch and Dr Pepper

slow-cooker – one big mushy texture and one big mushy flavor

minimalist – five ingredients from five different stores, cooked separately

retro – enough gelatin for one lifetime, thank you very much

sheet pan – raw on the inside, burnt to a crisp on the outside, spilled onto the bottom of the oven and burnt there

French – fourteen really expensive ingredients, one of which is red wine

clean – who knows

secret ingredient – Sprite. Every time. It is always Sprite.

crowd-pleasing – everyone will ask you what the hell that was and what it was doing at Suzie’s baby shower, especially considering all she’s been through lately with the grand jury indictment

kids love it – bland and uninteresting

husband loves it – bland and uninteresting, but has bacon

worth it – takes 72 hours, four pieces of equipment, a government license and connections in the airline industry to make and not quite as good as a Triscuit