Andy From Headspace Meditates on the Coronavirus

Hey guys. It’s me, Andy from Headspace. My meditations have helped millions of people tap into their zen and overcome anxiety on everything from flying on a plane to fear of rats. I’m sure you’ve all been waiting for my meditation on Coronavirus. I’m America’s voice of calm. You need my guidance now more than ever.

OK, ummm… Listen to me. Everything will be just fine. That’s right, just listen to the gentle sound of my voice. Just focus your attention on something, like an anchor. Me, I’m imagining a rustling off in the distance. That’s the sound of all the toilet paper you could ever want or need. Be present in the body. Imagine a hiss as a Lysol spray can disinfects your hands.

No. No, I can’t do this anymore. You all just want my calming, British voice to tell you that everything is going to be OK.

Well, it’s not. I’m fucking freaking out. OK? You should all panic. Meditation is just a New Age-y thing we do to feel better when you’re distracted by petty things. This isn’t anything like Fear of Flying or any of our hundreds of hours of pre-existing meditation content. You think airplanes are scary?? That’s nothing. Let me tell you how to get over fear of flying. Just get on the freaking airplane. Down a Scotch neat if you have to. Congratulations, you’re now on the plane. Easy peasy. You can take a nap and wake up on the other side if you want to.

My friends, if you thought getting on a plane was the epitome of fear, I’ve got some fucking news for you –  this is barely going to scrape the bottom of that. The bad part is just getting started. We’re all in for the rollercoaster of our lives. Not an actual rollercoaster at an amusement park like I talk about in Meditation #163, Fear of Coney Island, but a metaphorical healthcare rollercoaster that may lead to our very deaths. Just think about it.

I mean, how are you even supposed to meditate if you have Coronavirus? You can’t take a deep breath in if your lungs are on fire. You can’t clear your head if your head is full of microscopic viruses.

Why are you even listening to this meditation app right now? Your grandparents are close to death. 15% of them will die! Have you called them recently? Have you told your goldish you love her? You can pass the disease on to your fish, you know. I read an article about that in the Atlantic.

Now breathe in.  Contemplate the microbes destroying the lungs of the grocer who handed you your soy milk.  Breathe out.  Imagine yourself at the ER at Maimonides.  Breathe in — did you cough?  I heard that!  That was a dry cough!  I am so outta here!