Hi, I’m The COVID-19 Testing Kit, and Celebrities Are Just More Important. There, I Said It.

Hi America, it’s the COVID-19 testing kit. I need to get something off my chest, so I’m just going to say it: celebrities are just more important. After tasting a lot of famous saliva the last few weeks, I get it. Something about swabbing the throats of those beautiful people with at least $50 million in the bank and several pools in their mansion backyard just feels…right. No offense to all you normies out there, but you know it’s true! So I’m sorry if I haven’t been as reachable as I’ve wanted to be this last month, but when you become the hottest trend in Hollywood, you don’t pass up the opportunity to go from D-list to A-list!

First things first, it’s important to know I was huge overseas. I’ve had some humble beginnings just like any star. Taking small roles in small villages and eventually working my way to major cities. Soon enough, I was shutting down countries! I was ready for Hollywood, but was Hollywood ready for me? 

To make it in Hollywood, it’s all about who you know in the industry. You wouldn’t believe the stars and places I’ve been these past few weeks. I knew basketball was huge in China and I was a huge fan of Yao Ming when he played. I had his jersey and everything! So when I came to America I knew I had to go to the biggest basketball town in America – Oklahoma City and watch the Thunder take on the Utah Jazz. Well, I’m not going to say I didn’t try to say hi to my favorite Jazz player Rudy Gobert, but it looks like my excitement became infectious and now I canceled sports. I really just wanted an autograph!

But my life totally changed when I met my favorite actor ever, Tom Hanks. Oh my god, guys, he is as nice as he totally seems! I was so nervous how he would react to meeting me because I don’t have the best reputation right now, but he is literally Mr. Rogers. I’ll never forget those five minutes I spent with him and his cockblocker of a wife. He showed me his weird typewriter collection on his phone and a sneak preview of what other famous white guys he’s going to play once this coronavirus thing blows over. 

I get it, it seems very selfish of me to only be accessible by the rich, extremely famous celebrities right now. But you’re telling me you wouldn’t do your very best to spend every waking moment with someone as famous and sexy as Idris Elba? Idris Elba may not be asymptomatic, but he sure is handsome! I would rather test a future James Bond from England, not a Joe Schmo from Omaha. Yeah I know, sorry, I haven’t been “available” in a hospital in Davenport, Iowa, but would you want to hang out in an overcrowded emergency room in the middle of a cornfield, or would you rather be swapping spit with NBA star Kevin Durant?

And so what if I’m enjoying my fifteen minutes of fame? Just because I didn’t make a sex tape to get to where I am today doesn’t mean I’m any less deserving of controversial attention. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I’m not going to waste it, especially since I know that when the vaccine comes out as the next best thing, I’ll no longer be America’s Sweetheart. So I’m going to ride this wave as long as I can, and yeah, maybe I’ll end up doing a Hallmark Channel movie or being an Instagram ambassador for essential oils in five years, but I’m okay with that. Like my buddy Tom always says, “Life was like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.” Well, it turns out that this time I was the one who knew what Tom was gonna get.

2020 has been my year so far, and I’m not wasting a moment. I’m the topic of every single news channel across the country, and I’ve already got my publicist Ashleigh creating my YouTube channel as I speak. And Tom promised me once he got out of self-isolation if he makes it that we could grab coffee and talk about collabing. I’m thinking Contagion 2, but with me as the lead. Until then, I’ll continue riding the coattails of my favorite celebrities as I try to make it big. And don’t worry, soon enough in a year or so I’ll begin my North American tour and get to meet you, all my fans, in person!