I’m Your Crush And I’m Not Romantically Interested In You At All… No Seriously, Like At All

Hey, girl. I asked you to meet me here today because I have something to get off my insanely chiseled and hairy chest. But, before we dig in, can I just say that you look really pretty? Let me pull out my phone real quick and snap a pic for the gram. I think I’ll tag it “#WifeyMaterial”. You know, as a joke? Because we’re just friends and we’ll never be anything more than that. Actually, that’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about.

I feel like you’ve been expecting a lot of me lately. My buddies even mentioned that sometimes you treat me like I’m your “boyfriend” and that’s insane because, again, we’re just friends and we’ll never be anything more than that. Yes, I know we’ve been hanging out non-stop and I did take you on that getaway to Paris, and we did share a passionate embrace on the Eiffel Tower–but that doesn’t mean we’re “dating” per se. I just thought it’d be fun to recreate your favorite scene in that movie where the guy kisses the girl on top of a tower–as a bit. Oh wait…that was the Empire State Building. Oops!

And yes, okay, there was that other time I kissed you on the head and said, “You’re so cute. I’m basically in love with you.” But you know, I just signed up for a stand-up class and I’m trying out new material all the time. I really don’t understand where you got these notions from. We did also drunkenly let a man in a loose-fitting Elvis suit marry us in Las Vegas, but that doesn’t mean we’re “together” or anything. Our rings aren’t even made of real gold!

Hey! Please don’t cry! Your mascara will run, and I know how expensive it is because of that time you spent four hours in Sephora with me, helping me pick out the perfect tube for my mom. Speaking of my mom, you gotta stop asking to meet her. She only meets girls that I’m serious about–and we’re just friends! The brand new home you and I just took out a mortgage on isn’t even finished being built so it’s not like we even officially live together. You want me to introduce my mom to a girl that I don’t even live with? Get real.

All I’m saying is that I miss when I could respond to your texts whenever I felt like it. Now you’re on me to “respect your time” and text you “good morning” every single day. Do you know how many days there are in a year? That’s 365 “good morning” texts! It’s asking way too much of someone who’s made it abundantly clear they’re just interested in being friends. Also, I just got off the phone with the cemetery and they said our matching, side by side tombstones should be finished soon. I love that even in death we want to be by each other’s sides–we’re such good friends.

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