Our Dystopian Future #5: We’re Verizon, and you’re only alive because we say so

Here at Verizon, we pride ourselves on providing America with the best cellular coverage around. One call you won’t hear on our cutting-edge network is the sound of us suddenly ordering your death. We absolutely could, at any time, make a crystal-clear phone call with instructions to end your life in a myriad of ways. Lucky for you, that’s not the kind of company we are!

What do you get when you subscribe to a Verizon unlimited data plan? Best in class call fidelity, one gigabyte of data per month, and the sense of security that comes with knowing that your wireless provider hasn’t summoned a team of highly-trained assassins to your doorstep. Hypothetically, though, if they did, you can be damn sure those assassins would hear your name and address as if a Verizon employee were standing right next to them in their secret underground bunker. That’s why customers have voted Verizon the number one mobile provider for ten years straight!

Take, for example, the Stanley family of 333 Knob Ct., Valparaiso, IN. They recently contacted Verizon about cancelling their plan for one of those “other” companies. Out of the goodness of our hearts, we told them, “Give it to the end of the month, and let’s see if we can’t change your mind with our impeccable service.” Shortly after, their two children, Kimmy and Bobby, were taken from school in a nondescript van. You can bet the Stanleys were incredibly grateful to have Verizon’s superlative connectivity as they dealt with ransom demands, coordination of cash drops, and keeping loved ones in the loop. They ultimately decided to stay with us, and we couldn’t be happier!

Ask yourself what you would do if you were in their shoes. If a group of ex-Marines on the wrong side of the law surrounded your home and your death was imminent, which network would you want to use to call your wife and hear her voice one last time? If that same group told you that you had ten minutes to call Verizon customer service and upgrade to their most expensive plan, would you want that call to be dropped by some inferior mobile provider? When that customer service representative tells you to call your lawyer and make your sole heir “Verizon Communications Inc.”, don’t you hope your lawyer is also on a Verizon plan because your life hangs in the balance? Let’s face it, T-Mobile, Sprint, and AT&T just don’t cut it when it comes to protecting your precious, fragile heartbeat.

When you look at it that way, it’s no wonder Verizon is the most used telecommunications conglomerate in the United States. These are the kinds of things you should remember when we announce our next price increase*. Mercenaries answer the call. We make sure they can get it. Verizon. 

* Effective immediately, all plans are now 200% more expensive.