Do you have a reservation? Oh, you don’t? Did you see our sign: “Please make sure you reserve your seat at our restaurant a decade before our opening weekend if you want a seat next year.” Yes, I’m aware that it’s Tuesday at 4 pm, but nevertheless, we are a very busy restaurant. Well, yes, we have plenty of seating. 3 chairs and 2 tables from our experience is more than enough to seat our guests and build demand, thus raising the price of every meal exponentially. We thought of investing in more seating, but instead, our owner bought a Porsche. You can see it out there in front taking the only parking space within a mile radius.
Now, we do have a dinner reservation opening next week on a Thursday at 11 am but it’s at our sister location in the city. Here’s a map and a compass, it can be hard to find. No, well then I am afraid we’re all booked up. We appreciate you trying to make it. Might we suggest a fast-food restaurant next door? Oh, they’re booked too. Yes, well we own them as well. If you’d like, we might be able to squeeze you in, but you’ll have to wait at the bar for… 6 to 7 hours… Just a heads up, we close in 5 hours.
You’d love our bar. It offers wonderfully overpriced beverages and cocktails that will generously be provided in tiny glass cups with extra ice. Would you like hors d’oeuvres? We offer only the finest of hors d’oeuvres from the grocery store next-door. Each bit of caviar is handpicked from a can and placed sparingly onto this tiny plate. This is generally offered at a reasonable price of $100 an ounce. If you want to impress your girlfriend, surely spending $300 on 3 ounces of fish eggs will do the trick.
We also offer in-house entertainment at your expense. Games such as “where’s your credit card” and “overcharges.” It’s a lot of fun for our servers and not as much fun for you. We also have a DJ who only plays music at a deafening roar so don’t expect to be able to have an actual conversation with your date.
Yes, we offer a wide selection of food, neatly printed onto this stained paper. See anything you like? No? Well, that’s the price you pay coming to an establishment like this. It’s all glitz and glamour, not actual substance. But think about all the wonderful comments and likes you’ll get when you tag us on Instagram. The lighting in here isn’t designed to make you comfortable, it’s designed for photos so you can promote us freely to your friends.
Yes, it probably would have been best if you went to that movie after all and filled up on popcorn. Please make sure you tell your friends about us so they can also be exceedingly disappointed.