Dear Amity Island Gazette,
What has been said of me in your local paper is simply not true. Just like everyone on this beautiful island, I love this town and its beaches. I take their preservation very seriously. As Mayor Vaughn said: “Amity means friendship.” I am a friend to all Amity’s sea creatures.
What is the biggest threat to our oceans? Humans. Humans have been destroying our oceans for centuries and no one has been doing anything about it. Therefore, I took it upon myself to get out there and fight the good fight. There have been many who have said hurtful things, but my plan-of-action is very methodical. Please review this selection of my kills and their reasoning so you can better understand my viral marketing activism approach:
- Attractive, blond, early 20s female. Whenever this target demographic goes missing — HUGE publicity. Lots of free press and media coverage — great way to get the message out and make a splash. Also, she was likely at a beach party; Myrtle the Turtle got a red Solo™ cup from one of those stuck on his head for weeks, still swimming around in circles unable to see anything, thinks he’s in a cave. The youth of tomorrow needs to learn to respect our oceans.
- The black labrador retriever. Some people only cry when pets die in movies. I had to relate to this target demographic. His owner was merely collateral damage.
- Attempted: Fisherman dude who tries to hunt me. Did you see his boat? Definitely diesel. Man smokes cigarettes like he wants to die. And to lure me in, he lays a chum of all the heads of my sweet, nautical friends, chopped up like teppanyaki. Talk about savagery — I am not the real savage here! I planned a lovely family trip to SeaWorld this past summer and saw what they are doing there! Even after that little kid dressed up in a fin like mine to belittle my cause, I didn’t attack him! I am doing this for the children.
In summary, to call me a ‘deadly menace’ is to thoroughly misunderstand the good I am doing for this community. As a scavenger, I eat already trash and I am doing my duty to make sure this ocean is a great place to live for years to come.
Your concerned local citizen,