Recent trends in the food and beverage industry have made it so that our dear restaurant owners – job providers, business moguls, and the sole drivers of the luxury caviar industry – are no longer making 100 times more in profit than their employees make in wages and tips. As a result, we are instituting a 33% “increase the gap” fee so that these ambitious, hard-working, and wildly successful individuals can continue living at a standard that is significantly above that of their staff. We know you may have questions about this new policy, so we wanted to post this tiny sign by the register in an effort to answer some of your FAQs:
Why should I pay for this?
The short answer is the classic theory of “trickle-down economics.” If our owner can afford to own ten mansions and spend his weekends surfing down a volcano, then that means the American economy will thrive. After all, who’s going to clean all those mansions? That’s called job creation!
Why is the fee so large?
Because of pesky state and federal laws increasing the minimum wage this year, the ratio of our CEO’s wages to the average employee’s decreased from 100 to 99.999999, a drop of 0.000001% percent. By incorporating your payment of the 33% surcharge, our CEO’s salary can increase by ten times, thus giving us our largest wage gap to date.
What if I’m also rich? Do I have to pay then?
Ah, a very important question! Luckily, we’ve taken our cue from the current administration’s tax policy and implemented a stratified system. Most customers will pay the flat 33% fee. Anyone with an income of more than 20 million per year, or who can show their American Express Black Card, will pay no fee and receive ten free scones with every order as a thank you for being so successful in life. Anyone below the median income of our neighborhood will pay a 50% fee as a penalty for their laziness.
Thank you for your understanding as we transition to this new system! If you are an employee, please see the next sign for an explanation about why, starting tomorrow, you will no longer be receiving healthcare. Spoiler alert: our CEO needs a new yacht!