Thank you, chairwoman Thurber. Your leadership, talent, and B-A-M-F, H-B-I-C, Y-O-L-O attitude during this difficult semester has made all the difference in keeping our sorority together. If I may be so bold, you are the Hillary Clinton, nay, the Michelle Obama of this campus. Unfortunately, not everyone in this chapter shares your commitment to our sisterhood. And it is my duty as social chair to inform you all that our Valentine’s Day mixer with the gentlemen of Beta Pi was an absolute, unequivocal, and utter disaster on par with the Hindenburg, the Titanic, and the ending of Inception, which I still do not understand.
Piper. Piper. Stop. Shut up, Piper. Piper, I am still talking so please shut all the way up.
Many of us were disappointed that the gentlemen of Delta House were unavailable for this mixer, due to them being suspended from campus, due to them being a front for a Canadian drug cartel. But I wish that more of you had decided that the gentlemen of Beta Pi were worth your time as well. Attendance for the Valentine’s Day social was a record low. I know that many of you will say this was because our house was hit by a vicious strain of the Influenza virus, but honestly, it’s difficult for me to keep track of who is legitimately sick since a bunch of you throw up after meals year-round.
Piper? Literally? Seriously Piper? You will get your turn. Piper. Stop.
Even those who did attend could have made a bit more of an effort. The boys of Beta Pi were in charge of bringing drinks, while we promised to provide snacks. You guys, they brought a keg and jungle juice and a bunch of mixers, and all we brought were Trident gum and Luna bars. Now, more than ever, we have to present our best face to the community, especially after our former chairwoman Cameron was kicked out of the pre-med program for ritualistically sacrificing her lab mice at an altar to Dionysus, god of wine and madness. I am aware that many of us are dealing with trauma and anxiety related to that incident. But just because you’re in a dark place emotionally doesn’t mean your social life has to suffer! When I get overwhelmed, I take a deep calming breath, drink a cup of Jasmine tea, comment “dumb whore” on all of Kaia Gerber’s instagrams, and I feel so much better.
PIPER! I AM ALMOST DONE! HUSH PIPER! PIPES! PIPER!
Lastly, I just want to say that these events do serve a greater purpose, which is to practice socializing so that we can eventually find the amazing partners we deserve. Life is not like a romantic comedy where you can just ask your longtime platonic male friend to accompany you to a wedding to impress your middle school nemesis, but then you fall in love for real. Yes, that’s how my parents got together, but we may not all be so lucky. All I ask, ladies, is a little more willingness to to dress up and smile, even when you’re not in the mood, or what’s known as Pulling A Meghan Markle. And stop ignoring my emails about the social calendar.
Okay, yeah, Piper, you can talk now! Burst? Becky’s appendix BURST? Well why didn’t you say anything?