Though we sing his praises and his name countless times throughout the day, God is an extremely busy man and can’t answer your prayers all at once. Rumor has it he’s still trying to get through The Irishman. That’s why most people all over the world pray to the Lord almighty and get his voicemail. But now it seems that God is ready to check your prayers through his voicemail in this column called “God Checks His Voicemails.”
Kanye West: Dear God, it’s Kanye West, or as I like to call myself, God. Where’ve you been on Sunday, Holy Spirit? I’ve completely rebranded and have using Christanity for profit by turning a prayer service into a full out concert with these Sunday Services! I’m even been hanging out with Joel Osteen because he seems like he hears from you a lot. But lately I’ve missed rapping about how I awesome I amand having sex with hoes, so please God answer my prayer to keep making tons of money off your likeness.
God: Hi Kanye, returning your message. I appreciate you spreading my message around, but I got to tell you…I liked your previous albums a lot better man. These Sunday Services you have, they’re fine shows, but I feel I can put on a better show. Try turning water into wine or literally walking on water and maybe the Messiah will come back for a little bit. I would say cut the Sunday Service stuff, especially if you keep claiming that you’re God (me) and imitating me! You’ll be hearing from my lawyers soon and watch out, they’re good because they represented OJ Simpson.
Tom Hanks: Howdy there God, It’s Tom Hanks. By golly God, I’m known as the nicest man in Hollywood and it’s not the worst honor to be called although it’s not “King of the Kings.” But lately some of these people are testing my patience. When I’m driving my Subaru, people know it’s me driving because of my license plate says “Hanx.” Because of this, people are starting to cut me off. I want to give them the middle finger but as I raise my finger my hand impulsively turns into a full hand and I wave to them instead. God, please give me the strength to continue to keep my cool so I can continue playing every White man alive.
God: Hey Tom, I got your message. I loved you in Cloud Atlas by the way! So I completely understand your concern that you may want to murder someone who cuts you off on the road when you’re in your Subaru Imprezza. But I urge to you stay kind, because you have yet to play your biggest role yet, me. Morgan Freeman keeps insisting to play me in every film, but I’d be fine if he stuck to narrating penguins fucking. Remember, you can still kill, Tom. Kill them with kindness that is. I’m sending an angel down to deliver my biopic screenplay for you to read, I really think you’ll love it Tom. Remember, every White dude is always working on a screenplay, even me.
Ricky Gervais: Hello God, you’re probably surprised to hear from me. It’s comedian Ricky Gervais. I know I’ve made a lot of my career and comedy on being a non-believer but it seems like people are starting to not like me because I’m apparently transphobic and pretty offensive overall. Who can hate me? I created The Office! The UK version, but still. The things I wrote are now people’s Tinder bios. I thought I would reach out to you since so many idiots seem to believe in you. How can I get people to like me? Call me back when you can.
God: Well look who it is, little non-believer Ricky Gervais. I knew you’d be crawling to me one day. Everyone needs a little bit of my grace sometimes. Ricky I’d love to help you, but why should I if you don’t even believe I exist? How did you get my number anyway Ricky? Did you get ahold of Francis, my agent? I’m going to have a word with him next time I’m in Italy. Good luck Ricky.
Lindsey, A Fan of The Bachelor: God, it’s me again, Lindsey…I’m watching The Bachelor and drinking some wine. I mean, not your kind of wine, but you get the picture. I don’t know if you’ve watched the beginning of the season yet, but Peter is SO perfect…you really nailed it on this one, which is great and all, but why didn’t you send him to me? Why didn’t you think I deserve someone so amazing in my life? When am I gonna find a great guy like Peter? When am—shit, I just spilled my Chardonnay on my cat. Gotta go, but please get back to me!
God: Hey girl! Nice to hear from you again—I always know when Bachelor season is up and running again when I get a call from you! So I’m not the kind of guy to leak any spoilers, especially when it comes to season 28 on “The Life of Lindsey,”—which gets rave reviews by the way, especially since you’ve started posting every single inconvenience of your life on Facebook. Way to bring those trashy audience members in! But let’s just say this: your special someone is out there somewhere, on this brilliant, awesome journey looking for love just like you. Does that answer your question? C’mon, did you really expect a concrete answer from me when last season I spoiled how you and Kaitlyn would have a falling out by pretty much saying it flat out in your horoscope reading? Nice try. Also, let me know if you want to bet money on the Bachelor bracket like we did last year. I’m down if you are!
Kyle, A TikTok Star: Hey, God. Ummm, it’s Kyle. Listen. Um, can you let me know if this Iran stuff is legit? And if yeah, can you get me off the hook with it? I’m not about to be drafted right now—I just reached 500 followers on TikTok. I have skills and stuff, but probably not for war. Like, I can’t even do one freakin’ sit-up. Or is it called a push-up? Whatever, but the point is I have literally no skills for this thing. And I have so many questions. Like, will I be able to bring my Juul in if I get drafted? Will there be Wi-Fi so I can keep going with my TikTok streak? Please respond, because if not I’ll need to let my followers know ASAP if they won’t be hearing from me for a few weeks when I go off to war and stuff.
God: Hey, brah. Returning your message. Saw your one TikTok where you literally ate soil, super funny man! To be completely honest with you, war and hellfire and disaster overall means the world is coming to an end, so there’s that. But maybe this is good news, because it means you can keep using your Juul to your little heart’s desire without any long-term repercussions—so go at it! But, rest assured that there will be TikTok challenges in the Iranian war zone, I’m sure. So that’s something to look forward to! Right, buddy? Anyway, best of luck on that one—I’ll be rooting for you from the skybox!