4 Hot Sex Positions for People in Much Better Shape Than You

We know that you love your boyfriend, and you love having quiet missionary-style sex with him. Unfortunately for you, your boyfriend’s man-brain needs constant variety in the bedroom. That’s why we’ve put together a few tips to help you spice things up! These active moves–which are totally achievable for the average person–are a great way to show off your athletic side.

  1. Standing Ovation”
    This super hot pose is a great way to bring out your man’s primal side. Have him hoist you up in the air, totally unsupported, and ravish you for hours. Wrapping your legs around his waist and having him carry you to climax will help you feel closer than ever. 

    This intimate move is something all of our readers should be able to do, because you weigh no more than 90 pounds. If this is an issue for you, don’t worry – the rest of this magazine is just diet and skeleton removal tips.
  2. Head Over Heels”
    Are you flexible enough to put your legs over your head? No? Then you’ll never know the sexy rush of this sweet pose. This doesn’t activate your g-spot or anything but it does say “I went to ballet lessons when I was younger and you didn’t, nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah.”

    If you used to be able to do this but can’t anymore, no worries! This just means you’ve transitioned into your “Mom” years. We recommend switching to Good Housekeeping or Ladies Home Journal where you can learn how to bake cookies instead of having sex, you shriveled shrew.
  3. The Mermaid”
    Take sex at the beach to a whole new level with this outrageous move! While you’re interlocked with your partner, swim out into the ocean. Unless you lack the aerobic capacity to do so, in which case DROWN BITCH.
  4. The Marathon”
    Running a marathon is already so easy – spice it up a notch by having your young lover mount you while you compete. This pose gives a new meaning to the phrase “come first.” If you time it right, he can finish inside of you while you finish.

    Can’t do this pose? Try it anyway. At least they can say that you died doing what you love – contorting yourself into awkward sexual positions to prove a point.
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