I’m cute. That’s just a fact. I’m a cute, petite brunette with large hands. Guys always describe their perfect woman as: blonde, big tits, tiny feet. And, guess what? That’s also me. I’m everything, baby! I’m everyone’s type. But something strange has been happening lately that’s made me question my sense of reality. When I open up Bumble, I have zero matches. Which is impossible! Because, as I just said, I’m hot as shit!
Let’s start from the beginning. I do what most twenty-five year old women do; I sit at Starbucks, alone, stare at the wall for 20 minutes contemplating climate change and then finally, I open up Bumble. At first, I only downloaded Bumble to remind myself that I actually enjoy being alone. Most women feel like they need a boyfriend for a number of reasons: to open a jar of marinara sauce, to call their landlord, to stand still and hold their arms out while we hang our bras on them to dry. But, me? I can do those things all on my own. I have a washer/dryer in unit, for god’s sake!
But still, every Friday at my local Starbucks (the one near the smoke-shop I’m too scared to enter because I don’t think I’m cool enough), like clockwork I find myself scrolling and swiping. Scrolling and swiping! Every man I see on Bumble is cute. If he’s holding a fish, drinking an IPA, climbing a mountain, or even posing as “The Thinker”, then he’s a bonafide hottie. And don’t get me started on the women! They’re all angels, goddesses, the GIF of Lady Gaga saying, “Talented. Brilliant. Incredible.” personified. So, I do what any warm-blooded person would do, and I swipe right on them. All of them. I do this for a few minutes, maybe even a few half-hours. So where, oh where are my matches? I’ll tell you where they are: on the back of a milk carton because they’re missing!
I’ve written countless emails to Bumble and explained my situation. I think there must be something wrong with the software or the algorithm. Maybe one of those little video game characters have invaded the program and are Wreck-It Ralphing my chances at finding true love. Whatever the case may be, I’m sure it has absolutely nothing to do with me. I’m hot, funny, have many pictures of myself with all of my many friends, and I even set the distance to 100 miles to improve my odds. Also, I’m hot! But, when I explained all of this to Bumble, I simply got back an email saying, “This is Bumble and Bumble, the hair company; not Bumble, the dating app. Please stop emailing here.” Rude!
Until this issue is resolved, I’ve decided to just post pictures of my friend, Sherri, and pretend it’s me. Someone told me the term for that is “catfishing”, which is essentially when you trick someone into liking you by pretending to be someone else. But, that’s not what I’m doing at all. I’m just using a picture of my friend to get someone’s attention and then revealing that I’m a completely different person. Everyone does that…don’t they?
Whatever, I’m still hot!