Our Dystopian Future #3: All I Want for Christmas Is To Hear Mariah Carey Everywhere All The Damn Time

Listen up, radio hosts, candle retailers, and elevator music programmers of the world! There is not nearly enough Mariah Carey music in my life. Nothing would make me happier than hearing the greatest voice of my generation over every single speaker from now until the end of time. Why? Because Mariah is so much more than a one-hit holiday wonder. 

For a glorious 30-ish days between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day, Mariah’s magnificent pipes flood me with auditory ambrosia everywhere I go. What’s more, at work I bask in the fluorescent glory of colored bulbs synchronized to the stirring diminished chords of “All I Want For Christmas Is You” from 8 AM onwards daily – EVERY FIFTEEN MINUTES! It is the highlight of my life every single year. Michael Buble, Wham, and that Josh Groban asshole can all suck it. I am ride or die for Mariah Motherfucking Carey.

When the dreaded January 2nd comes around, I fall into a deep and dark despair. All of a sudden everyone forgets about this angel whose vocal range spans a number of octaves equal to the number of Grammys she has won (FIVE!). You assholes pull a Nick Cannon and move on to some younger so-and-so who probably doesn’t even know what the hell a whistle register is. No more! No more will I stand by and let the Songbird Supreme be forgotten. It’s Mariah time, all the time, from now on!

In this perfect world, I will walk into my local liquor store on St. Patrick’s Day and hear the classic “doo doo doop…ow!” of “Always Be My Baby” blasting on the radio – not one of the five hundred Dropkick Murphys songs that all sound the fucking same. I long to eat lamb at my local Greek diner for Easter and feel goosebumps run down my spine when “We Belong Together” pops up on the mustachioed owner’s outdated iPod. Peak bliss? “Touch My Body” blasting on the nearest car radio while I expose myself for beads at Mardi Gras. Just imagine what an amazing life that would be! With eighteen Billboard #1 hits, there’s a song for every month and then some. Just do the fucking work and figure it the fuck out!

If there were an auditory equivalent of an IV, I would need 100ccs of Mariah, stat! My life is literally devoid of meaning without her. In this cold, dark, dystopian world, I need that unbelievably impressive talent to follow me everywhere I go. I absolutely must have her iconic, inscrutably catchy lyrics getting stuck in my head over and over. I would donate the body of any close friend or relative to science if it meant I could get a brain implant that played nothing but Mariah all the time. Let’s do it, nerds. Doo doo doop…ow