Lists, Satire
by Stacey Zapalac

10 Reasons I Am Breaking Up With My Soy Vanilla Lavender Candle I Picked Up At A Craft Fair

  1. When we met, your infused natural essential oils bewitched me, but now I find your scent too intense.
  2. I don’t feel confident I can commit to your 90+ hours of burn time.
  3. At times your flame size is inconsistent and I need a flame size I can rely on – one I can trust.
  4. I am there for all of your meltdowns, but will you be there for mine?
  5. We have been spending too much time together and I need to feel like I can branch out and light other candles.
  6. That magical night we had under the stars when your sparks were flying was blissful, but since then I don’t feel that shared intimacy.
  7. Your odor reminds me of that sassy valerian beeswax candle I picked up at the Ann Arbor spring craft fair and that didn’t end well.
  8. We’re moving too fast and I am just not ready to meet your extended family of votive and taper candles.
  9. I like your warmth, but I am not in love with it.
  10. My mom doesn’t like you.
Tagged with: