Hey son, remember when we took that trip to Disney World when you were a toddler? We saw Elsa and Anna, toured Epcot and peed our pants on the Tower of Terror both times.
The last one’s just me? OK, well here’s the thing. I know you’ve been wanting to see the photos and now that you’re 10, I think you’re ready. But, before we crack open the album, I need you to understand something.
I need you to understand that your mom and I wore matching shirts during our trip that you couldn’t read and/or understand at the time. It was a particular shirt combo that attracted a lot of attention. A particular shirt that attracted a lot of attention for being AWESOME, except when it caused one lady to become so disgusted she threw a butter pecan ice cream cone at me and made the shirt look very unfortunate.
Here’s what your Mom’s shirt said: “I want the D”
And here’s what my shirt said. Wait, before I reveal it can you guess? It’d make me so proud, son.
No? Ok, well here’s what my shirt said: “I gave her the D”
(Just to be clear, the “D” in question is in the cursive Disney font. You know the one.)
You may be wondering, “Dad, why would you wear that T-shirt and make a lot of teenagers very uncomfortable while standing in line for Splash Mountain with their parents?” You might ask “Did you develop your sense of humor on Reddit and do you not have a clear understanding of the main Disney audience?” and that would be an impressive question for a fifth grader.
You might, like one Grandma did while we were in line for Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, accuse us of smut.
Listen, here’s the truth about Disney. It’s boring. There’s too much adrenaline and temper tantrums and LINES. I needed to spice things up to make the Happiest Place On Earth bearable.
By wearing our shirts, your mom and I were doing a public service. We entertained the adults and childless millennials at Disney.
I wanted to liven things up for the other adults, give a big wink that says “yes, I had sex to create this child” the way I like to make sure those I’m playing Cards Against Humanity with understand I have the most depraved mind.
Your mom hated those T-shirts, but you know, we used my hard-earned money to pay for the vacation. Well, it was half my money and half your mom’s, but I refused to help carry any of the strollers, snacks or children unless your mom wore her t-shirt. She was not happy when I gave her the t-shirt and told her I’d emptied her suitcase of other clothes.
We fought a lot and I spent most of the trip wandering alone through Animal Kingdom. That’s why half of the photos in this album are of you, Mom and the Pixar gang and the other half are of you, me and very uncomfortable looking Disney princesses.
You may be wondering, “how did you cope?” and “what was it like to walk around Disney with a shirt that says “I gave her the D” and no woman by your side?”
It was humiliating. But, at least I wasn’t your mother. She looked like some kind of pedophile, wearing her “I want the D’ t-shirt and carrying a toddler around Magic Kingdom.
I didn’t actually get to give her any D besides the trip because she asked for a divorce while we were on Buzz Lightyear’s Astro-Blasters. I guess I’m the one who got the D at Disney.