My Love Language Is Discussing My Ailments

Every night before I go to sleep, I think about my one true love and how interested he will be in all my constant weird bodily sensations. He will whisper to me sweet nothings about how having a “weird feeling” in my throat doesn’t mean I’m going to get sick tomorrow or that a cute wheeze once in a while doesn’t mean I already have the flu. My man will speak my only true love language, neurotic discussions of my ailments in detail for hours.

Yes, now I know the actual love languages are gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service etc but the only thing that really gets me going is discussing every random body sensation I have and whether it means I’m sick. Since I just coughed twice, does that mean I have strep or swine flu or tuberculosis? I probably don’t have any of them but just having someone say I’m probably fine is so soothing to me.

I know normal chicks like getting scented honeydew candles and sexy edible roses after a really good date, but what I really crave is someone carefully and slowly looking up my symptoms on WebMD and staring at the computer seriously while I examine the weird star shaped mole on my shoulder. It’s weird because yesterday I was congested and also my left foot was experiencing some pins and needles-could it all be caused by my star shaped mole that seems to be turning rainbow colored?

I hope that one day I’ll find someone who will speak my love language to me all day long. In the morning he will pity me when I say the pillow is slightly too fat and hurts my neck and then we’ll cook eggs and he’ll explain the best cures for neck pain. Then if I fall down a flight of stairs, he’ll hug me and say it’s not worth going to a doctor because it’s just some weird sensation. My day will be full of sexy diagnoses for a non-doctor and my heart will finally be full but hopefully not in a bad way like a heart problem way (at least I hope not!.) Now I think this might be past the word limit for a dating profile, but I’m hoping will look past it and see me for the sexy and single hypochondriac I am inside.