5 Ways to Stop Your New Kitten from Biting You

Congratulations on your new feline friend. Welcome to a life made all the richer by the addition of your fuzzy new kitten. Soon you’ll be asking: “who adopted whom,” youknowwhatimean?

But cats can be a lot of work, kittens especially. They’ve got a lot of pent-up energy, and sometimes that can be directed at you. Don’t worry—all cats are natural hunters, and if they’re biting you, it’s usually not a sign of anything more than bad training. So here are 5 tips for getting a kitten to stop biting you.

1)    It’s happened to all of us. You’re just sitting on the couch, trying to enjoy a box of wine, some cold pizza from a few days ago, and the latest episode of National Geographic’s “Smart Tactics” when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, you feel sharp teeth on your feet.  Don’t worry, your night doesn’t have to be ruined. Just play with the cat, she’s probably bored! Try using a wand toy to tire her out, remember not to let her think of your hands as a toy, and soon you’ll be back to picking off the moldy pepperoni and learning about Matthias I of Hungary’s maneuvers at the battle of Vilémov!

2)    Now let’s say like most of us, you might have had a little bit of a rough patch in your love life, and you’re feeling kind of down. Then to make it worse, this kitten you got to try to get over your ex (who just so happens to have the same name as your ex—it’s not weird, she was already named Samantha at the shelter!) is now biting you every chance she gets, and swatting at your fingers, toes, face, privates, everywhere. It’s very important that you stay calm! And remember, no matter what, don’t get mad at the cat. If you get mad she’ll get mad, and honestly even though she’s small, kittens are MEAN. If you try to fight back, she can overpower you.

3)    If you didn’t follow advice number 2, don’t worry. There still should be a chance at reasserting dominance, so long as you don’t let the cat have your social security number. Once she’s overpowered you, cats can be driven to try to steal your identity. Run to the bank, cancel all your cards, and change your passwords as fast as possible, otherwise, that little ball of fluff could end up taking everything. The worst part is, she’s a kitten! It’s your word against hers, and in my experience, most people will take her side against yours. This includes your boss, neighbors, police officers, bank tellers, friends, and even family! So make sure it doesn’t get to that point, where you’ll be left homeless on the streets, fighting for scraps outside a Thanksgiving meal that your vengeful cat is having with your parents who’ve now disowned you, along with your ex with whom somehow she’s developed a relationship.

4)    At this point, if you’ve exhausted all the other options, you’re probably going to think about giving up and just ending it all. And I’m here to say—don’t bother. The kitten won’t let your torment end that fast. She’ll keep you alive but weak, and force you to walk around on all fours as her pet. The best thing to do is to learn to pick locks using your teeth. If you do that, you’ve got a decent chance at escaping, at which point try to make it to a city with a large stray dog population where the kitten might not follow you. I recommend Bucharest or Naples.  It’ll be hard for a few years, but it’s very important you keep your head down and don’t make any waves. That kitten—even if she’s grown up into a mean old cat—will be on the lookout for you until you get enough plastic surgery to be unrecognizable.

5)    Oh, in retrospect a tip I wish I’d thought of would have been putting on videos of birds chirping to distract the kitten and stop her from going after you. Yeah try that first, see what that does. Meanwhile, if you have any recommendations for any Romanian language courses someone could study while in chains, I’d be much obliged.

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