Wanted Ad: Someone To Hold My Hand During The Winter

Hi! This is my first time taking out a classified ad, so I hope I’m doing this right. As winter rapidly approaches, the leaves are changing colors and I desperately want to go on walks through the park and buy a Christmas tree. But, I can’t. Because in order to do those things, I need someone to hold my hand.

And, that’s where you come in.

I’m looking for someone to hold my hand from the months of November through February. Winter is the coldest time to be alone and I need someone to keep me company and help me weather the storm (that’s a little weather pun for ya, if you’re into those things). Specifically, I’m looking for the following:

  • Must be able to lift and carry a Christmas tree on your shoulder with your right hand, while holding my hand with your left hand.
  • When it’s cold outside you have to grab both of my hands in your’s and warm them up by rubbing them gently or breathing on them–but not in a gross, humid way. In a cute, fun way.
  • I need someone who’s amazing at making snow angels but not better than me. And when I’ve finished my snow angel, they have to reach out and take my hands in theirs to help lift me up.
  • Must be able to make a delicious cup of soup that I can cradle in my two hands, sniff, and go, “Ah”. It can be any type of soup, I’m really not picky. Preferably a non-dairy, squash-based bisque, though.
  • At Trader Joes, you absolutely have to hold my hand the entire time we grocery shop, even if people need to get by. They’ll figure it out.
  • When I get a manicure you have to hold my hands out and shout, “Wow!”
  • On public transit, you have to stand right next to me, no matter how crowded it is, and never let go of my hand. Not even to answer a phone call. This is non-negotiable!
  • You have to do that weird thing couples do where one person wraps their arms around the other person. I think it’s called a hug? I wouldn’t know, I’ve never had one.
  • When we take a stroll through the park and smile at every single dog that runs by, you have to (you guessed it) hold my hand the whole time.
  • Messing with my window A/C unit makes me nervous, so after you’ve set it to the appropriate degree (off), you have to walk over to me and hold my hands. Then, look me in my eyes and say, “You just got a beautiful manicure so stop biting your nails.”

If all of that sounds like something you’re capable of, then hit me up! I’ve placed my number below:

1-800-555-There’s A Hole In My Heart and Only Tenderness Can Fill It

Hoping to hear from someone! Anyone! Please!

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