Eulogies for Millennials: They’re Killin’ It!

Eulogy for Scooter Laser:

From his time as a child, sucking on his mother’s can of La Croix in Middle America, to his years as an adult, guzzling Spindrift at launch parties in Silicon Valley, Scooter Laser died doing what he loved: drinking sparkling water. Who knew that excessive carbonated water consumption combined with intravenous avocado toast produced toxic effects in the body? Scooter, aged only 26, was taken too soon, found in his WeWork space next to a small pile of freshly ground, fair trade coffee and a rolled-up dollar bill. He was a generous member of the community, becoming the adoptive dad to a collection of vinyl records despite not having a record player. After graduating from Stanford University, Scooter spent years abroad harvesting cabbage in Nicaragua before eventually creating a talent agency that represents famous rescue dogs on social media, including his own Goldendoodle, Ace. Truly, his innovation will live on in us all. Visitors can bid on Scooter’s motorized longboard using bitcoin. All proceeds will be donated to his peer group: Boys for Bernie Sanders. 

Eulogy for Roxy Love:

Born in 1999, Roxy Love remained the last true ‘90s kid, despite her earliest memories and childhood happening in the early 2000s. Roxy’s death was, just, so extra. She left this earth a victim of being a trend setter. Her photos were fire! Who knew that Monday morning’s Instagram post would be her last: Roxy in light washed ripped jeans, a bucket hat, and Oakley sunglasses, cruising in her Geo Metro. One minute, she was sending a Snap of her pupper, and the next, her choker necklace constricted her airway turning her lips an Aqua-album blue. It’s gnarly. Fortunately, the choker had a small cross pendant, so her parents feel at peace. Roxy is survived by her social media and will have an open casket. The family has asked mourners to show respect by tagging the brands, if they wish to take a selfie with the body. Her discount code will be given out before the first Psalm. 

Eulogy for Atlas Mortimer: 

Atlas Mortimer was a brave ethnomusicology PhD candidate from Greenwich, Connecticut who overcame elective starvation on numerous occasions. An avid traveler, he often conducted his field work in Southeast Asia, doing his own ceremonial fasts with only a bindle and stick from the North Face. He was just one month shy of completing his dissertation on the European perspective of Japanese heavy metal, when he blasted his ear drums and tripped over the Balinese gong in his dark, damp office, hitting his head fatally. Taken by his own brilliance, Atlas’s legacy lives on in his totemic arm tattoo – an exact rendering from Disney’s “Pocahontas.”He wishes to be buried with his succulents and has requested that only his mustache be preserved. His cremated remains are left to the executor of his will, his one-eyed cat named Ganesha. 

Eulogy for Guy Mann:

Guy Mann was a no-nonsense, pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps kind of guy. He even convinced his father to cut him off upon turning 30 earlier this year. “Millennials are just out of control these days,” he would always say. After working as an accountant for an average firm, Guy moved to a retirement home in Florida where he ran the center’s finance department and battled weak wrists from overusing his abacus. It was in the middle of balancing accounts by candle light that the final bead was pushed. Who knew that someone could die from untreated carpal tunnel? Guy will be remembered as a man of his ethics. He refused to give into modern medicine, letting himself die the old-fashioned way…young. There is a generic spread of meat, potatoes, and beans for guests to enjoy after the service in his honor. You can leave a donation in the box next to his hand-built casket, provided that it is cash only. The money will be given to a coal plant of your choice.

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