Job Listing for an Executive Assistant in Hell

Company: Satan’s Butthole, LLC.

Job: Executive Assistant needed for upscale, upbeat, uptown office.

Job Requirements: Must be proficient in Microsoft 365, Quickbooks, Google Suite, Final Cut Pro, Adobe Premiere, Photoshop, InDesign, Mailchimp, all Apple products, perform light cleaning, occasional dry cleaning, keep inventory, need valid driver’s license, must speak English, German, Italian, and Spanish, must possess ability to handle at least 7+ phone lines at a time, handle travel arrangements, event planning. Knowing how to perform open-heart surgery is a plus!

Who You Are: A young, nubile lone wolf who’s capable of working in a team. You’re detail oriented but always see the big picture. You love working long hours; you’re the first to arrive and the last to leave. You’re nubile but virtuous. You love dressing professionally and can’t stop smiling. You hate taking bathroom breaks, in fact your bladder’s been surgically removed. You love the heat. Did we mention nubile? Absolutely must have a sense of humor!

Job Type:
● Part-Time

● $14/hr

● Masters
● Doctorate (Preferred)

●  Administrative Assistant: 10 yrs (Required)
●  Executive Assistant to CEOs: 15 yrs (Required)

Working Days
●  Monday (Preferred)
●  Tuesday (Preferred)
●  Wednesday (Preferred)
●  Thursday (Preferred)
●  Friday (Preferred)
●  Saturday (Preferred)
●  Sunday (Preferred)

Hours Per Week:
● 30-35 (required)

● Competitive Salary
● In-office snacks

Work Location:
● Office
● Remote
● The Moon

To Apply: Please copy and paste your resume into the body of an email. You must also attach a PDF copy of your resume, as well as a cover letter detailing how you’d solve world hunger. Finally, please attach a current headshot.

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