I want you to turn around, very slowly.
Slower.
Slow-errrrr…
There’s a brown leaf on the ground behind us.
I noticed it as we were walking by.
But I don’t want you to SCARE IT –
OH NO!
You turned around too fast!
You are going to scare away fall!
Fall is the most fickle season.
If you start getting excited too soon you’re going to end up scaring it and then summer will have to fill in.
FUCKING SUMMER.
I cannot handle anymore dry air and hot wind. MY NOSE IS GOING TO FALL OFF MY FACE IF THESE HOT WINDS DON’T STOP.
I’ve worn shorts so much my legs have tanned-on shorts now.
The soles of my feet are so calloused from wearing sandals every day, I walked across still-hot barbecue coals and didn’t even notice.
Someone thought I was trying to lead a motivational exercise.
It was embarrassing!
Do you even get how important it is that you calm down about fall?
This happens every year, when the air starts to change a tiny bit.
People start commenting about how excited they are that it’s not 100 degrees out when we get one day – one! – that feels a little bit cooler.
And then what happens?
A week-long heatwave.
Emails from the city about impending drought and water restrictions.
People sweating through their puffy coats, tricked into bundling up because of a desperate belief that fall had arrived.
STOP LOSING YOUR MIND ABOUT FALL OR WE’RE GOING TO BLOW IT.
Here’s what you need to do.
Until we’ve had two weeks where the temperature hasn’t gone above 65, do NOT text me about “sweater weather.”
Keep your gloves and scarves hidden until this tree is totally bare.
Don’t even mention “maple candy” to me until O’Hare International has ground to a halt due to some horrible storm.
When it starts to feel chilly, take only one scarf out.
The cotton one. And it better be yellow or pink – not some black, green, or (god forbid) burgundy scarf.
Walk down the street and say something like, “Oh, how I’ll miss summer.”
Eschew the ads for pumpkin spiced drinks.
Laugh heartily at the Halloween shopping displays in September.
Flip off people who try to talk to you about “harvest festivals.”
Blow up a flamingo pool floaty (even though you don’t own a pool), and say to it: “Fall? I don’t know her.”
That’s how we’ll get a good, solid fall.
Apple cider and crunchy leaves.
Jack-o-lanterns and corn stalks.
Scarecrows and witches.
Trick-or-treat candies.
Martha Stewart wearing some freaky costume like a moth. Remember the moth eyelashes?
Tartan and tights and boots and —
OH DAMMIT.
I said too much!
It’s going to be 85 tomorrow?!
I’m going to try and squeeze back into my bathing suit.
Come over for a pool party.
We’ll sit on the sidewalk in lawn chairs.
I’ll fill up a bucket to stick our feet in.
Bring your copy of Martha Stewart’s Grilling cookbook.
We can take turns sniffing my Autumn Harvest deodorant stick.