Ask a Zookeeper

Welcome to Ask A Zookeeper, the monthly column where I, Zoey Frank, a keeper at The Cincinnati Zoo, answer your questions about animals.  

How fast can a cheetah run? – Juana, age 9

A cheetah can run, in short bursts, over 70 mph. That’s one fast cat!

What’s the biggest snake? – Carter, age 7

It is the green anaconda, which can weigh over 500 lbs. That’s one big snake!

What is the horniest animal? – Mark, age 37

The horns of the Asian Water Buffalo can be over 4 meters long. That’s one buffalo!

Can chameleons really change colors? – Rishi, age 8

Yes! Chameleons change color to avoid predators. 

What animal mates the most and enjoys it? – Mark, age 37

Sandhill cranes do elaborate mating dances before choosing a mate for life.

No, I mean amount of times mating. Which animal does it the most? – Mark, age 37

Probably some type of rodent? You’re an adult man Mark, Google it. 

How many polar bears are in the world? – Lucy, age 5 

Scientists estimate only 30,000 polar bears are left in the wild. 

Zoey, I’m going to level with you. I have a problem and your Ask A Zookeeper column is my only hope. I’m a Furry. A grown man who dresses up in fursuits with strategically placed holes for sucking and fucking. My old Fursona, Doompaw Stormfang, an arctic fox with the head of a snake, isn’t attracting the fur-ladies. I need to know all the horniest animals so when I go to The Midwest Furfest this year I can get some tail. – Mark, age 37

Mark, I’m going to level with you. I’m a lonely person with very little going on in my life. I have swathes of free time I waste on Tetris and Instagram.  And still, with all of that unused time and energy, I will not help you.  

Why do spiders have eight legs? – Nabeel, age 6

One theory is they could survive with six but have two extra in case they lose some. Evolution is amazing!    

I know what it’s like to be lonely, Zoey. At last year’s Fur the ‘More convention I wanted to sing a group number at Furry-oke but no one wanted to join my TailFur Swift song. Please, I need to know which animal is the most sexually desirable.  – Mark, age 37

The Head Keeper says I have to answer ALL questions submitted to Ask A Keeper or he’ll put me on guano duty. So let’s plunge into this furry hell world, shall we?  Animals are attracted to others of the same species. So Mark, what kind of “tail” are you trying to get?

Yes, genius! Why didn’t I think of that? I’d love to get down n’ furry with any type of sexy feline. I’ll be Lightlion Thundertooth. Thanks so much, Zoey!  – Mark, age 37

Sad to have helped. 

Why do bulls hate the color red? – Zhu, age 9

This is actually a common myth. Bulls are color blind! 

If giraffes had breasts, how large would they be? – Gem, age 28

Fuck me.

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