You Decide: Advice from My Psychic or My Therapist

A lot of people come into my house these days and try to give me advice. I remember being told these things, but I’m not sure if it was by the licensed therapist who made a house call, or the mysterious old woman I invited over for tea after she tried to grab my purse on the boardwalk. Any help would be greatly appreciated deciding which is which.

1.  You are so young, and in the next year or so, the stars foretell you will approach many great trials in life.

2.  You’re a narcissist and your family is very concerned.

3. The tea is ready! How did I know? Well, I’m a psychic. A very real one. Also I heard the kettle whistle.  

4. Mikayla, please put down that baseball bat. Your friends and family asked me to make a house call. Let’s sit down and talk, please.

5. Someone in your life has recently passed away. Your Aunt Bertha, perhaps? 

6. Let’s make a list of things we’re thankful for in life. 

7. Hmm, are you sure she is still alive? Well at least she is…sick? Like very, very ill? Moments away from death? 

8. “My rockin’ bod”, okay…sure. Can you think of anything else?

8a. You’re just saying synonyms of how attractive you think you are at this point.

 8b. Oh, sorry. So a synonym is a word or phrase that means the same….okay. You know what, let’s try something else. 

9. No? Well fine. Your Aunt Bertha is alive and well. But she’s dead inside. Very depressed. Happy? She’s cursed from now on. And next time, don’t question me, you little shit. 

10. Of course I would say you seek conflict with authority. Why do you ask?

11. The stars are, directly, responsible for all your misfortune. 

12. Bad behavior is not excused by your astrological sign under any circumstances! Retrograded Mercury did not steer that Mazda into your stepfather’s cat.

13. Not everyone on this Earth is here to look out for your own happiness, Mikayla.

14. Not everyone on this Earth is here to look out for your own happiness, Mikayla.

(burp) Where’s your bathroom? I gotta take a dump.

15. Now, Mikayla, really ask yourself: Who do you want to be? 

16. I’ll tell you what you are. You’re a little bitch. Do you got any crackers? The good stuff, the Ritz kind? 

17. Again, let’s get back on topic here: You must accept the fact that you are not the center of the universe. You can insult me, but I recognize you’re just trying to change the subject.

18. Of course the world revolves around you. Happy?  I saw it in my kaleidoscope or something. I’m tired of this, I gotta get back to the boardwalk. 

19.  Calling my husband and baby my “best friends” isn’t an insult, Mikayla. Well. When I say it out loud I do hear it…

20.  You can either Paypal me $40 or promise me your firstborn child. That’s just the co-pay.