Death Valley 2, Siberia
Visit one of the hottest destinations on Earth, both figuratively and literally! Named after the original Death Valley, it’s hard to miss this sizzling wasteland, which stretches from the Ural Mountains all the way to the Kamchatka peninsula. You can gaze at cacti and cook an egg on the ground as you sweat through your clothes in 130 degree weather. Be sure to take advantage of the complimentary government-sponsored hydration stations and camel rides as you tour the barren husk of what was once an incredibly cold and snowy tundra!
Pacific Trash Island
Composed entirely of plastic and other non-biodegradable garbage, Pacific Trash Island is the world’s largest island in existence. The island grew significantly after rising sea levels swept up the detritus of entire coastal cities, and it gets bigger and bigger every year. After flying into Crushed Aluminum Can Airport, make your way over to the Liter Bottle District for a bite to eat. Take an afternoon to hike Battery Mountain, and, if you’re feeling very adventurous, you can throw a coin into Lake Toxic Sludge and watch it slowly dissolve into nothingness.
The Green Monsters
Once known for sexy accents, insufferable sports fans, and being one of the first cities to succumb to rising sea levels, the ruins of Boston are a great destination for any traveler hoping to swim in the balmy Atlantic Ocean while also exploring a formerly thriving city. Take a Duck Boat ride and scuba down to the remains of Fenway Park, where you will find the iconic Green Monster wall in left field. You’ll also meet Wally, a giant green radioactive squid who has made the ballpark his underwater home.
Tomb of the Unknown Species
Memorializing the countless thousands of species that died off as global temperature slowly rose, this barge at the South Pole is a poignant and tear-jerking day trip. Remember to stay for the ceremonial changing of the guard, which involves an elaborate choreographed jetski routine through the completely melted Antarctic ice shelf. You can also spend an afternoon relaxing in the Amundsen-Scott hot springs.
Formerly Myrtle Beach, SC, New Atlantis is now home to “The Aquanauts,” a roving gang of teenagers who control the water supply in the Eastern United States. At the center of their airtight bubble city one thousand feet below sea level, you can take a selfie with a statue of Sandy Cheeks from the early twenty-first century television program Spongebob Squarepants. The Aquanauts credit Sandy as the inspiration for deciding to move their civilization underwater. If you yell out an enthusiastic and melodic “Ohhhhhhh” anywhere in the town center, passersby are likely to respond “Who lives in an air bubble under the sea? The…A…qua…nauts!”, a reference to the same program’s theme song.
The best place to visit on our climate-ravaged Earth is actually not even on this planet! Join the wealthiest families of the world on Mars, which has become a sanctuary for those people who were rich enough to get out of Dodge when everything went to hell. While you’re there, visit the Climate Truth Center, a museum dedicated to dispelling the myth of climate change and exposing it as a hoax invented by the Chinese. Try not to get too depressed when you realize it’s only a matter of time before humans figure out how to slowly destroy Mars as well.