Is your lack of seltzer knowledge holding you back socially? Do you find yourself struggling to connect with fellow millennials who have somehow independently traversed capitalism’s vast expanse to the same White Claw-sponsored party, meanwhile you’re still filling up your Nalgene at the sink without making an obscene performance of it?
Learn what the fuck to say to these people in a safe, judgment-free environment. The White Women Center for Culture is proud to present our one-day Seltzer Education Seminar for Socially Inept Millennials. Our instructor Amanda is a certified basic bitch who defies your judgment by having a flourishing career and personal life. She actually feels bad for you.
Check out the agenda below to discover the topics and viewpoints you’ll master under Amanda’s expert guidance.
8-9am: The Fundamentals: What We Put in Our Bodies and Why
- How much water should you drink in a day, and why is it so hard?
- “I just like something else to drink that isn’t water but still has no calories, you know? Then I can just drink a ton of it, but it’s not boring.”
9-10:30am: Forefathers of Fizz: Considering LaCroix in Today’s World
- “Pamplemousse” vs. “Grapefruit”: Who, what, when, where, why?
- There was that article about how the flavors are actually artificial, which is maybe bad, but maybe fine, but in any case it’s different than what they told us, which is… bad?
- Moving Forward: “Actually, I never understood why people liked it so much. The flavors are like… so strong and fake.”
10:30-11:30am: Sleeper Success: Polar’s Enduring Market Share
- Bubbles Per Milliliter: A scientific analysis
- New England Beginnings: Regional applications, timelines, and history
- Encyclopedia of Seasonal Flavors and Corresponding Packaging Designs
11:30am-12pm: Emerging Player: Bubly
- How to pronounce “Bubly” or just say “buh” in the right way so people know what you’re talking about, and you can move on to having the same opinion
- That’s pretty much the main thing.
12-1pm: Lunch Workshop: The Coconut LaCroix Controversy
We’ll grab an overpriced sandwich next door even though it would have been just as easy to bring lunch, sample the contentious drink, and watch a short presentation detailing each side of the debate. Guests will be entered into a raffle to win a case of Coconut LaCroix, a welcome boon or excruciating burden, depending on the individual.
1-2pm: Equilibrium: Spindrift is Here
- “It actually has juice in it.”
- See also: “It’s just more natural.”
- See also: “Like it’s a color, not clear, because of the real juice.”
- Self-Care Study: Pastel packaging’s soothing effects on the tattered, adult human mind
2-3pm: Coffee Break: Small Talk Session
Sip on regular or decaf and share the complex reasoning behind your choice. When is the latest you can drink caffeine without it messing up your night? Come prepared to discuss.
3-4pm: Tertiary Topics: FAQs & Further Exploration
- Is there a difference, either in terms of manufacturing or just colloquially, between seltzer and sparkling water?
- The chemicals are fine though, right? Or…?
- Store Brands: When are they okay? Are some more okay than others?
- “I had kombucha once when I was hungover, but I don’t think it did anything.”
4-5pm: The Problem with CO2: What Happens When We Burp
- Unifying your body and mind to defeat the grotesque expulsions of sound that will inevitably plague your happy new life
- Getting comfortable with strategic swallowing; discrete head turns; and the blink-wince, close-mouthed nod
5-6pm: Hard Seltzer Happy Hour
Learn about White Claw before it’s too late! Redeem two (2) drink tickets for White Claw while staff explain the popular context of each flavor so you can make an informed choice. We’ll coach you on saying “I can drink like 10 of these” with the appropriate blend of unaffected laughter, pride and shame.
6-7:30pm: Dinner: Putting it All Together
Practice your new burp-busting tactics while dining on food that is “anything, really, just nothing too heavy; I don’t want anything heavy.” Assert dominance by drinking from a can with a straw for some reason. Remain stone-faced upon learning dessert is fruit.
You’ve reached the end of the seminar, and your instincts are flawless. Congratulations! The respect of your peers is yours. Now get out there, and buy a romper! You earned it!