Washington D.C. — A bill being heralded as the GOP’s answer to gun violence has passed Congress and is expected to be signed into law this week. Instead of restricting access to firearms, this new policy will instead require all gun owners to equip each firearm they own with a smaller gun.
“It just makes sense,” said Sen. Mason Feenus to reporters on the steps of Capitol Hill. “With all these shooty-shooty bang-bang things happening lately, we need to take rational, realistic steps to fixing them. After all, guns don’t kill people. People kill people. We need to give our guns a chance to defend themselves from the sort of person who might use them unwisely.”
Widely heralded among gun rights associations, the new law requires these smaller guns to be carried by the larger gun in a small, adorable holster.
“Really, it’s a win-win situation,” Sen. Feenus said, stroking his his own miniature gun. “This way if some sicko tries to pull something he’ll be outnumbered two-to-one. And if for some reason that doesn’t work, we’re already working on funding the creation of itty-bitty holsters just in case the guns’ guns need guns of their own.”
Sen. Feenus went on to cite the benefits created by more gun manufacturing jobs, as well as the satisfaction and responsibility the guns will feel from working together, before leaving to attend a memorial for this morning’s four mass shootings.