Exciting News! Your Position Has Just Been Eliminated, You Lucky Duck!

Dear Valued Employee (over the age of 55),

Congratulations! Your position has been eliminated as a result of a corporate restructuring and you are now eligible for an extended, unpaid staycation! It’s time for you to kick back, relax, and reflect on your life choices. After twenty years with the organization, heck, you’ve earned it. 

We’ve always fostered a culture of professional development and lifelong learning. We know the last time you applied for a job, you probably found it in the newspaper and faxed in an application! That’s why we’re so excited you’ll have the opportunity to learn how to job hunt in today’s gig economy.  You’re never too old to learn a new skill, like how to compete for a few low-paying jobs in a market flooded with your now-former coworkers who are also enjoying their staycations. Or you can learn how to apply one of those Uber decals to the rear window of your family Volvo station wagon.

You’ve dedicated the best years of your life to this organization and therefore we know how invested you are in our success. You may no longer be able to afford health insurance, but nothing will make you feel better than knowing your valuable contributions over the years will help us continue to generate billions of dollars in annual revenue without you there. We couldn’t have done it without you, and yet somehow we will manage.

We recognize this is an emotional time: You are so excited about your new opportunity, but you’re also worried that your manager’s 22-year-old niece Brittni may not be able to immediately step into your shoes when she graduates from UC Santa Cruz and is offered a lower-paying, re-titled version of the position it took you fifteen years to obtain. Well, don’t stress about that! Before you go, we’ll require you to spend two solid months with Brittni, ensuring she’s up to speed so that you can rest easy. Who better to spend the last gasp of your lifelong career with than an entitled, disinterested employee benefiting from corporate nepotism and who is young enough to be your granddaughter? 

We’re almost jealous of the new adventures you get to start. We can imagine you now: Kicked back with a cold drink in your hand, staring at your 401K statement and your COBRA paperwork until a blood vessel pops in your left eye. Or, drunkenly editing your LinkedIn profile at 2am, lamenting that your unsupportive dad was right and you should have become an electrician instead of getting a liberal arts degree. Or maybe even racking your brain for words that rhyme with your last name in case you want to open an eponymous cupcake shop as a last-ditch start at a second career after sadly binge-watching The Great British Bake-Off for 16 hours straight. There are so many exciting terrifying unknowns in your immediate future.

But of course, we won’t let you go without celebrating all you’ve achieved with our organization. That’s why on your last day we’ll make sure that we bring in enough Jimmy John’s to feed approximately 40% of the 100 employees we’re kicking to the curb as part of our amazing company restructure. Nothing says “You matter!” like limp shredded iceberg and unsettlingly warm mayonnaise. You’re welcome.

So we’ll enjoy seeing your face around for the next two months, at which point, you can expect to be patted down for stolen ballpoint pens and then escorted out of the building into the sunset to begin your new life.

Again, congratulations!