Every time I hear a complaint of sexual misconduct in our office, I am proud to lead a workplace where women feel comfortable reporting every single incident. I want to be informed of any questionable behavior, even if I have to read about it in my golf cart between holes. To that end, I’ve put together an easier-than-ever reporting system to make sure your issues get the attention they merit.
To report when a coworker does something “off”…
Visit the virtual HR Portal on the company’s home page. You’ll find it under the Miscellaneous tab, Section III, Sub-section B. After navigating there, clear your cache—DO NOT CLEAR YOUR CACHE ANY EARLIER—refresh the page, and you will see the eighteen-module Sexual Misconduct Multiple Choice Questionnaire. This data is very important to me!! I have a standing appointment to review it every Sunday at the club after my steam.
Once you’ve recounted every detail of this traumatic event…
You must submit two printed copies of your questionnaire to both The Department of Misconduct and The Department of Investigations. I cannot stress enough that these two departments do very different things: Misconduct investigates wrongdoing, and Investigative looks into misconduct. For any summertime gropings, please file no later than Thursday of that week, as I take summer Fridays and won’t review anything until the following non-holiday Tuesday.
To ensure your privacy…
Don’t tell anyone about the trauma you’ve suffered, as it’s bad for office morale. If your assaulter tells people without a need-to-know that you reported him, and paints you as lying or mistaken, I just want to say wow, that must feel disrespectful. Much like when Jerry from Accounting leaves divots in my greens.
If you need anything, day or night…
Talk to Cheryl. Oh, you haven’t met Cheryl?! Cheryl’s the expert. What is her position? Not sure. She’ll be able to tell you though. She’s basically my Number-Two who keeps a copy of all misconduct paperwork in case I accidentally drop anything in that pesky lake at Hole 9.
Our priority is your comfort and safety…
So while your claim is processing, we’ll move your assaulter to a different division, where hopefully he will spread less gossip about you “false-reporting.” And don’t worry, we will transfer Vincent if he gives you the elevator eyes. We just can’t fire him or prevent him from telling people his transfer is because of you. If you happen to have a career-advancing meeting in the division where your assaulter has been moved, give me a heads-up and I’ll arrange for you to have a security escort. FORE! (That’s a golf joke.)
In order to preserve the integrity of the investigation…
I’ll explain absolutely nothing about our progress or lack thereof. Have you talked to Cheryl? Let’s find her together; I need to ask her if my clubs are back from their buff ‘n’ shine.
If you aren’t sure if what happened to you is a crime…
I will highly recommend-slash-give-you-no-choice-but-to file a police report, so that just in case what happened to you is a criminal act (I’m never sure about that kind of thing!!), the company isn’t liable for withholding that information. The police are incredibly helpful to victims, at least that was the case with the officers who showed up after my wife mistakenly called the cops on our country club’s omelet chef.
IMPORTANT
If you’re fondled on the Friday before the PGA Championship, there’s nothing I can do to help you because I’m committed to picking up the keg between 3 and 6 in the afternoon.