As a thirty something with little income and barely any cooking ability you need to save your money and your time. Eggs are cheap, easy, and quick. But roommates and their partners who make fancy dishes like Skillet Cod with Lemon and Capers don’t understand this. They’re laughing at you behind your back, probably calling you “egg loser” or “yolk head” or “is he really late on rent again?” In order to maintain your pride and avoid embarrassment here are some ways you can divert their attention away from the eggs you’re making for dinner.
Blast Jazz – If you’re blasting music you’re probably cooking a dinner way more complex than eggs. They’ll hear Kind Of Blue at full volume, the only jazz album you know and sort of listened to once in high school, and they won’t dare step into your busy kitchen. Make sure to hum along loudly, especially when the trumpet hits those high notes. Your high humming will solidify that you’re not making eggs for dinner. What adult would do that? To them, you’re definitely cooking Chicken Paella.
Kick A Ball – They’re in the living room, only a few footsteps away from seeing what you’re cooking. Always have a rubber ball slightly larger than a basketball handy. While you’re cracking your first egg, kick the ball in their direction. Their eyes will follow the ball. It’s human nature. Quickly look away as they ask why you continue to kick rubber balls toward them each night when it’s the only time they get to spend together. Avoid confrontation, put your head down and repeat kicks for every subsequent egg cracked.
Tell Them A Story – “You ever hear the one about the tortoise and the hen?” you’ll ask while opening the fridge to retrieve your egg carton. It’ll sound familiar, but they haven’t heard it because you’re making it up on the spot. Improv! Begin the story with suspense, something like, “the tortoise wasn’t ready to die.” It’ll hook them. Build the characters, something about the hen’s origin story in rural Vermont and her desire to prove to her peers that she could make it in advertising despite her parents’ disdain for salespeople. Don’t worry about going blue, it’s a great distraction. I encourage frequent obscenities, especially when flipping your eggs. If you hear them trying to talk over you just keep telling the story, it means they’re hooked and can’t contain their compliments for how talented a storyteller you’ve become.
Try Some Standup Comedy – Perform the best bits stolen from the open mic you attended last week. Those jokes about dating, weed, and depression are bound to get them guffawing long enough that you’ll be able to crack, cook, and eat your eggs without any insecurity.
Ask A Thought Provoking Hypothetical Question- Try something like, “if you were a bird and I didn’t pay rent next month, would I still be allowed to live here?”
Sing Them A Song, But Tell Them Not To Look At You – Try singing refined classics like “Savoy Truffle” or “Cheeseburger In Paradise.” DO NOT sing “Eggs & Sausage” by Tom Waits. It’s too risky. Remember, always divert attention away from what you’re cooking. If they look at you during any point in the song tell them you need to start over. Repeat until the eggs are digested.
Make Some Tea And Let It Whistle – This is one of your best options. It looks like you’re having tea for dinner, how refined of you. Place two or three tea kettles on the stove (leave one burner open for your eggs of course!) The three screeching whistles provide a perfect distraction from the eggs you’re making. Tell them you’re brewing tea and when the kettles whistle, begin cooking your eggs. If the whistling kettles quiet down, start screaming.
Ask Doug And Kathy To Whistle Instead – Your kettles have been taken away because they’re “absurd, unnecessary, and you’re not even drinking the tea.” No problem! Just invite Doug and Kathy from intramural kickball over to whistle instead. Don’t tell them you’re making eggs. They’ll probably judge you too. Have them whistle a tune from Kind of Blue. Looks like someone’s making Chicken Paella again!
Set The Apartment On Fire – You’ll only have a few minutes before ingesting the smoke. Make sure you alert your roommate and his partner so you have ample egg time. “Oh no! The kitchen is on fire again!” You say. They’re gone. You’re good. Crack your eggs over the skillet. Let them cook for a minute. As the fire grows higher and hotter take about 30 more seconds to gently flip the eggs. Give it a minute and, with your spatula, slowly slide your eggs off the skillet and onto the plate. Let them cool off, you can even give them a light blow. Now they’re ready to eat. Use your knife and fork and cut into those over easy beauties. Let the yolk seep out and enjoy. Once you’ve finished eating, wash your plate and dry it. Then grab the still-whistling Doug and Kathy and briskly walk out of the burning building together.
You did it. No egg judgments tonight.
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