Tweet Round-Up 8/23/19

Look at her face. Already over it https://t.co/Mhw4au9oFU

— Pharra Perry (@PharraPerry) August 18, 2019

I will never not love double negatives.

— Heidi Lux (@Heidi_Lux) August 21, 2019

oh, im sorry, you do comedy for fun??????? and not bc an evil sea witch cursed you for all eternity????? must be nice sweetie

— brittany handler (@canigetaHANDler) August 19, 2019

I don’t think I have imposter syndrome.

I feel like you have to EARN it?

— Vally D (@VallyDthecomic) August 20, 2019

Employer: wE aRE EqUaL OpPorTuNitY eMPloYeRs

Me: applies to job with full Muslim ass name.

Employer: no not you.

— zubi ahmed (@DamnZoob) August 21, 2019

the meanest thing u can do 2 someone is suggest they use https://t.co/BC0wj1WyKj

— kelseyroshetko (@kelseyroshetko) August 21, 2019

if you ever feel like you'll never do anything important in your life just remember there's a gospel written by a dude named Mark

— Ben Hargrave (@HarHarHargrave) August 17, 2019

I love Great British Bake Off because someone will be like “I’ve made this pie every week for 50 years and my whole family loves it and the town built a monument to the pie in my honor” and Paul takes one bite and just says “A bit dry” and Mary says “I’m not getting any flavor”

— Hayley Schueneman (@bluesuedeschue) August 20, 2019

Things that count as exercise:

cleaning, crying, eating grapes, printing anything, mailing anything, opening a jar of anything but queso, vodka, makeup, a full moon, when a subway seat is warm, spiders, meat

— Alya Aziz-Zaman (@Alya_AzizZaman) August 17, 2019

Man at the hardware store joked that he hoped I wasn’t doing anything sinister with the rope I purchased. Imagine his horror if he knew I was going home…. to macramé

— Lillian Stone (@originalspinstr) August 18, 2019

Is there a niche for cam girls that do nothing and just watch tv and nothing sexual happens and also they get paid a lot?

— Tara Millette (@LazyGinger) August 22, 2019