New Musical Theater Adaptations for Bros

Hey, fellas! Has your woman been harping on about the lack of culture in your life, calling you a “slob” or an “overgrown child with a neckbeard?” Looking for a way to keep her quiet and enjoy your damn self for once? Well, look no further, dude! We’ve found some shows that we think you might just enjoy:

Dear Evan Hansen
Twenty-six year-old layabout Evan Hansen has given up. His girlfriend has dumped him, his mom has stopped paying his rent, and nobody will invest in his skateboard personalization startup. One day, however, Evan receives a letter addressed to him: “Dear Evan Hansen, I am your long-lost uncle. Although we’ve never met, I’d like to give you all of my possessions and my house, because I believe in you. Sincerely, Me (Your Uncle).” All of Evan’s hard work has finally paid off. Live your dreams with this aspirational and definitely not-at-all sentimental masterpiece.

As the name would suggest, this show gives an in-depth, access-all-areas look at the city of Chicago, particularly its baseball/deep-dish pizzas/improv scene [delete as appropriate, depending on the type of bro]. Hosted by ultimate bro, Adam Sandler (regardless of focus).

The Lion King
Between 2012 and 2015, rap icon Snoop Dogg briefly started producing reggae, assuming a whole new (temporary) alias: Snoop Lion. In this Broadway hit, we venture inside the studio, seeing how this revolutionary era propelled the Drop It Like It’s Hot singer from under-Dogg to Lion King. Get ready to shuffle from one foot to the other with your head down, nodding approvingly at the “vibes.”

In this touching tribute to retired basketball player Richard “Rip” Hamilton, we follow the journey of the Pennsylvania native across his fourteen seasons in the NBA. After the interval, the show turns into a live game of basketball, making the pricey front-row seats worth every cent. Go sports!

West Side Story
If you like art (Kanye) and culture (Kanye), this is the show for you. This intense, modern piece looks at the evolution of worldwide rap sensation and “political figure” Kanye West’s side hustle: crochet. In this unflinching, one-man production, we watch as Kanye sits in a featureless, white box, crocheting various kitsch accessories, and coming up with some of his most iconic lyrics, which will be available on expensive, shapeless t-shirts in the lobby. Did you know that “go ‘head, get down” came as a result of a dropped stitch while he was mid-tea cozy? You do now.

A down-on-his-luck yet undeniably handsome white guy is struggling to pay his rent – in part due to the whining of his hot, pushy girlfriend – until he finally sells his totally unique and original screenplay about the struggles of selling art as a straight, white man, to an older, more successful white guy. The pivotal scene comes when the latter white guy realizes that the former white guy is, in fact, a genius, declaring this while his female boss is halfway through giving a presentation. What a journey, dude – it would bring a tear to the eye, if we weren’t so shredded that our tear ducts have been replaced with pure muscle.

Ever wanted to be applauded for just living your life? This relatable half-hour focuses on popular jock and all-round legend, Oliver, on a journey along his local high street. With every few paces, he is stopped by another friend or acquaintance, who greets him with a friendly “Oliver!” upon which he will recount one of his hilarious, banterful anecdotes. You probably know him already – everybody knows Oliver! It’ll almost be like watching yourself on stage! Almost! 

Phantom of the Opera
Pranks! In this conspiracy theory brought to life, we learn about the goofy ghost that haunts the Paris Opéra House. It has been playing with its patrons since 1842, when the Opera’s owner, Jacques Phantom, was tragically killed by the piercing High C of an over-enthusiastic soprano. This production features jumpscares, jokes aplenty, and narration from The Sixth Sense star, Bruce Willis. It’s, like, frickin’ spooky, bro (but also really funny).

Les Misérables
If we bros can all agree on one thing, it’s that school sucked. Nobody has ever succeeded in accurately capturing the misery that is a high-school French class… until now. In this hour-long audience therapy session, we watch as the students of Miss Jackson’s freshman French group (the titular ‘Misérables’) finally get to tell their teacher what they really think of her conjugation tables. The audience is encouraged to share their own rage at the only bad part of the high school jock experience, with frequent, interactive ‘Yelling Breaks’. Oh la la!

Sweeney Todd
This theatrical spectacular revolves around the millennial law firm set up by college bros, Chad Sweeney and Tod Todd, who, despite the odds, used their muscle and their hustle to start an award-winning corporation, without any formal training or identifiable personality. Watch in awe, as Chad and Tod (known together as “Chod,” at least by them) manage to silence their parents’ claims that they need a “plan,” “savings” or “a better attitude towards women.” Brace yourself, lads, because I think we’ve just found your new idols.