Earlier this morning, local accountant Brian Patterson overheard his female coworkers discussing the latest season of “Keeping up with the Kardashians.”
Grinning in anticipation, Brian leaned over the side of his coworker’s cubicle in order to join in on the conversation.
“What are you ladies talking about?” he asked, ignoring Priya and Jessie’s withering glares. When the women reluctantly informed him that they were talking about Kim Kardashian, the bold intellectual informed them that he had “no idea” who that was.
“Kim Kardashian? Who is that? Is that the new woman who works in HR? Oh, I see, she’s a celebrity! How silly of me not to recognize her name. Little mistakes like that happen when you don’t rot your brain with reality television.”
Continuing to feign ignorance of one of the world’s most famous families, Brian innocently inquired if Kim Kardashian was “an actress, like Meryl Streep.”
When his coworkers contested the idea that this was the first time in his entire life that he had heard of the Kardashians, Brian doubled down on his unlikely claim.
“Don’t believe me? Test me. If you were to ask me to name a single Kardashian, I guarantee that I wouldn’t be able to name Khloe, Kourtney, or Kim….”
“If you were like, ‘North West is so cute,’ I’d be like, huh? How can a direction be cute?”
“If you asked me the price of a Kylie Lip Kit, I’d be like, who is Kylie? Is she a Pulitzer prize-winning journalist or something?”
“Yeezys? What are Yeezys? Is that a type of sneeze?”
Failing to recognize his coworker’s disinterested stares, Brian decided to explain the lifestyle choices that had resulted in his complete ignorance of the Kardashian clan.
“I guess I’m not really into the mindless consumption of pop culture,” he explained. “I just don’t have time for it, I’m so busy with my other hobbies like reading literature or composing classical music.”
Unaware that Jessie and Priya had left the room, Brian continued to insist that he had no idea why there was tension between Jordyn Woods and Kylie Jenner.
“If I was a shallow materialist like the rest of society….maybe I would know about the Kardashians” he concluded thoughtfully. “I guess I just haven’t been Keeping Up.”