“I Don’t Care if You’re Black, White, Gay, or Purple,” Says Man Who Let Blue Friend Choke to Death

In a bizarre story out of Huntington Beach, free-thinker and totally-not-racist White guy, Marlon Davis, talks to us about the circumstances surrounding the sudden death of his friend, Phil Moore. 

“I was just having lunch with my gay buddy—no homo—when he started talking about how dudes will put stuff like ‘not into Blacks and Asians’ and shit on their dating profiles, and how he thought that was fucked.”

Davis then stated that he saw nothing wrong with “having preferences,” and that “race is just one of them.” That’s when Moore accused Davis of being racist—the worst thing he’s ever been called in his entire life.

“I have zero prejudices, alright? Like I said to him—I don’t care about the color of your skin, or the people you’re attracted to, or any of that bullshit. I care about what’s in here,” says Davis, putting his hand over his heart. 

Reportedly, Davis felt that he and Moore needed space to let the vibe mellow out and took the opportunity to use the restroom. When he returned, he found Moore passed out on the ground with a blue face. “I thought maybe the reason he was so offended was because he was secretly a blue person all along,” says Davis. “Silly guy. Blue lives matter, too.”

When asked why he never called 911, Davis merely shrugged and mentioned that Moore was a serious nap-lover. But Moore never woke up. It was only after Moore’s roommate, Tina Guerrero, came home that the paramedics were called. Moore was declared dead on the scene.

“Marlon Davis is fucking insane, and he’s totally racist,” says Tina.

Andrea Palomar, Davis’s girlfriend, vehemently disagrees. “He’s the most down-to-earth dude ever, and he’s never called ICE on Tina even though she’s undocumented.” Palomar, who’s got very visibly yellowed eyes and skin, also states that she’s personally never felt judged by Davis. “The man’s still with me even after we found out I’ve got a gnarly case of Hepatitis C.” 

“I need the record set straight,” says Davis. “I’m not racist. I’m not a Republican, or a Democrat. In fact, I’ve voted Libertarian every election since I turned eighteen. My philosophy is to stay out of people’s business and let them do—and be—whatever they want.”

At press time, it’s been revealed that Davis is currently under investigation for having allowed his unvaccinated child’s measles infection to progress to a critical point because he “doesn’t see anything wrong with polka-dot people.”

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