Most people don’t like poetry. (Why read some words on a page when you can listen to a CD your dad burned for you of AC/DC’s greatest hits just before he went to jail for tax evasion?) But one poem I actually like is “The Odyssey.” Most people know about Odysseus’ incredible journey, but many forget that he was also a huge baseball fan. And though he lacked the skills to play professionally, he loved spending an afternoon at the batting cages. Here are 8 times Odysseus’ passion for batting cages got in the way of his return to Ithaca.
The Time The Greeks Won The Trojan War and Odysseus Said, “Well, I should be heading back to Ithaca… Unless You Guys Want to Take a Few Swings in the Cages First?”
This sad moment revealed just how painfully addicted to batting cages Odysseus was. Obviously, you can’t play baseball during war (everyone is running around which fucks up the baseline). But come on, Odysseus. There are some things more important than the batting cages, like going home to your wife! Shameful.
The Time He Tried to Escape The Cyclops By Inviting Him to Go to the Batting Cages
The fact that Odysseus, who is supposedly cunning, thought this was a good idea is baffling. Even worse, after making the offer, he looked at the floor and kicked his feet around before sheepishly saying, “I don’t have anywhere special to be.” It’s almost as if this guy didn’t even want to go home!
The Time He Stopped in Corsica “Just to See What Kind of Pitching Machines They Got Around There”
Odysseus made a special stop in Corsica because he had been wondering aloud if they’d have the one wheel pitching machines, the two wheel pitching machines, or perhaps the three wheel pitching machines. There were no pitching machines or batting cages at all there, and had Odysseus not spent two weeks wandering around looking to hit a bucket of balls, he might have made it home to Penelope sooner.
The Time He Got into An Argument with the Staff At The Batting Cages on Scheria Because He Refused to Wear a Helmet
Odysseus was a well-respected commander of the Greek army who came up with the infamous idea for the Trojan horse. Yet even he wasn’t above the rules at Grand Slam Cages on Scheria, and was asked to wear a helmet. When Odysseus refused to rent a communal one, he spent four hours arguing about the policy with the teenager who was working at the time. Those four hours would have been better spent trying to get home.
The Time He Couldn’t Figure Out the Token Conversion Rate For the Cages on the Island of Sirens and Got Stressed Out
The sign clearly stated that the minimum amount of tokens for a drop-in rate is 2, there are 10 pitches per token, and it costs 3 silver coins for 1 token. However, all this information stressed Odysseus out to the point where he shouted, “Forget it!” and tried to just sail away. Unfortunately, he was distracted by the anxiety of the ordeal, and got the ship sucked up into a whirlpool, further delaying his return.
The Time He Gave Poseidon A Bag of Silver Coins in Exchange For a Private Hitting Lesson
Odysseus’ decision to ask his nemesis for help was not an easy one, but he made the choice after declaring that he “had to keep his skills sharp.” Unfortunately, the lesson was cut short when Poseidon tried to correct Odysseus’ stance. He immediately took offense and told the God of the Sea, “Just because my stance is different from yours doesn’t mean mine is wrong.” Odysseus then listed his stats from high school, which were probably exaggerated because at one point he said he hit .350, but later he claimed to have hit .380. Sounds like someone can’t keep their story straight.
The Time He Set The Pitching Machine Too Fast and Couldn’t Hit It, Then Got Really Embarrassed and Started Blaming Everyone For Making Him Nervous
Yikes. In order to impress his crew, while at the batting cages on the Island of Helios, Odysseus cranked the pitching machine up to the top speed. However, after whiffing on five consecutive pitches, he threw his bat down and started screaming about how everyone was talking too loudly and “trying to distract him.” If only he put that much energy into returning to his wife.
The Time He Got Home and Didn’t Seem That Mad About All His Wife’s Suitors Until He Found Out They Had Been Using His Personal Batting Cage
When Odysseus finally arrived home after 20 years of being away, he didn’t seem to care that 108 men were hanging out in his house and trying to sleep with his wife. It wasn’t until he noticed a few of them were taking batting practice in his backyard batting cage that he said, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Have they been using that this whole time? They’re going to mess it up!” and went into a violent rampage killing them all. Someone clearly needs to get their priorities straight.