Disclaimer: This article was brought you by the Wasp Marketing Board.
With all that’s going on with the disintegration of Planet Earth and the ongoing collapse of various global habitats, endangered species demand our focus more than ever before. With that in mind, taking into account all of the many, many rare creatures disappearing from our beautiful world, I have just one question: why is everyone, like, so obsessed with bees?
Like, I get that their numbers are reducing and everything, but there are also fewer ‘San Francisco garter snakes’ around than before, and I don’t see people whining about that. The only reason that people pretend to care about bees is down to their tragic, little “bumbling” act. Humans think they’re so cute and innocent, with their awkward hovering and their fluffy coats, booping into windows willy nilly – as if they don’t do that on purpose. What’s more, that apparently adorable exterior might seem gentle and soft, but from what I’ve heard, they’ve had to adopt permanent jackets to hide some pesky winter weight that just won’t go away. They tell one another it looks good, I bet. Sure – good if you like layers so large that your torso is shaped like a jelly bean.
The worst thing about this bee-based circle jerk, however, is that other, more elegant species find themselves the recipients of public hatred as a result. Every yin needs its yang, I suppose. Take wasps, for example: they’re skinny, sleek and streamlined – plus, they don’t drop dead as soon as they sting someone – and yet they get so much hate. Also, can I just say, what kind of weapon is that? A one-bullet gun with enough kickback to knock you dead as soon as you pull the trigger? Good job, sweetie.
And the obnoxious way in which people speak to bees, Christ! “Hello, Mr. Bumble Bee! Oops, you’ve gotten stuck in the window frame!” It’s sickening! Meanwhile, wasps generally get chat to the tune of, “Hit the little shit! Beat the life out of the fucker!” Maybe it wouldn’t be so terrible for bug equality (or as I call it, ‘insect-ionality’) if there were fewer bees to eat up all of the public’s affections…
Oh, and another thing: big whoop, you make honey. The way that you’ve somehow managed to use your scheming and wiles to turn it into a soppy-ass nickname used by patronizing parents and drag queens doesn’t detract from the fact that your magical elixir smells like wet sugar and tastes like old ladies.
Why are people so up themselves about the idea that bees are supposedly “disappearing”, anyway? I mean, if some mysterious force were to be taking some kind of action to – oh, I don’t know – eradicate bees, what would be the big deal anyway? You dorks with your flesh skeletons are all so swept up by their furry flustering – why not try releasing one in a subway carriage and see how you like them now? What makes you so boned up for bees? Oh, I’m asking a lot of questions? Oh, it’s getting suspicious, is it? Drama queens.
Speaking of which, don’t get me started on the whole ‘queen bee’ performance. Not to be a brat or anything, but you’d have to be pretty up yourself to swan about like that, referring to yourself as a ‘queen’ without a rich, historical legacy to back it up. You don’t need a hierarchy in a hive; everything is hexagonal, so deal with it. You might have fooled Beyonce’s marketing team, but you haven’t fooled me.
On the subject of marketing, how the heck has the big meme sensation of the decade been the freaking Bee Movie?! How did that get to be the center of youth culture? Even the name of the movie tells you that it isn’t supposed to be good. You may be a bee, but oh honey, wasps are an A+.
Also – and I know that this can’t be scientifically proven, but science is overrated – tell me bees don’t have a “vibe”. You know exactly what I mean, so don’t deny it. They’re like that girl from your office who’s always up for a chat in the kitchen, but you know she’s off bee-tching about you the second you go to eat your pre-prepared pasta salad. Like, do we really need that kind of energy in our lives?
Basically, not that I’m pro-extinction or anything, but I’m just saying that, from the sound of things, anybody working to eliminate those bastard bees would really be doing the world a favor, so… you’re welcome. Not that it’s me.
Suck my sting, you total Bs.