8 Tips For Training Your Senator

Has your Senator done something you’re unhappy about? Have they tracked mud on the carpet, or flooded the courts with extremist ideologues? Do you feel your friends judging you when your Senator acts out, and you’re tired of having to explain that they were like that before you got them? Never fear – even the most stubborn Senator can be taught to be polite and responsive, or so you’ll keep telling yourself.

  1. Are you tired of your Senator barking in the background while you’re on the phone with their office? Try speaking in a low, firm voice. (Think Shepard Smith.) Make it clear that you’re not going to hang up just because they don’t like phone calls. Some Senators are afraid of the phone ringing, and may run away, or cancel their town halls. If so, leave a voicemail. 

  2. Some Senators are also afraid of loud storms. If you find your Senator under a table barking about “libtard climate lies,” let them know it’s okay to be scared. We’re all a little scared of climate change, regardless of how much money we’re taking from the oil lobby.

  3. Some Senators don’t respond well to new situations. If you take them on a walk in the park, they may see something like people riding bikes, or two men holding hands, and become irrationally upset. Remember: it is your job to restrain your Senator. No one wants a rogue Senator jumping all over them! Speak in a low, calming voice, and tell them that this is still America. 

  4. Some Senators may be wary around children. If you suspect your Senator wasn’t socialized properly, make a point of introducing them to your friends’ kids at a safe distance. Explain to them the many benefits of paid parental leave and well-funded public schools.

  5. Be extra cautious about leaving prescription medications where your Senator might find them. Your Senator’s tolerance levels are different than yours, and some Senators may have an extreme reaction even to ordinary medications, like birth control. 

  6. Are you tired of your Senator damaging your valuables? Have you ever come home from a long day at work, only to find your retirement savings scattered across the floor, and your Senator avoiding eye contact? If so, try not to yell at them – after all, maybe your Senator was just trying to make you happy with pointless pork barrel projects. Instead, calmly clean up the mess they made, and remind them that there’s an election soon.

  7. Try positive reinforcement! Your Senator knows when you’re mad, but have you tried getting him (it’s usually a him) a reward when he does something like sit nicely or strengthen voting rights? Let him know that, if he plays well with the other Senators, he might get a nice treat for his re-election campaign. 

  8. Most importantly, learn to recognize the signs of an overly aggressive Senator. If your Senator starts responding to dog whistles like “them replacing us,” it may be time to seek outside help. A rescue dog might be irrationally fearful and can be trained, but for Senators? Absolutely not. You don’t need a list to tell you to vote that racist out.