Help Wanted: Diversity Hire

Our awesome company is looking to hire a woman and/or underrepresented minority to support our team. You would be our first woman and/or minority hire!

We’re looking for a self-starter who is not afraid of taking on any task, big or small, at our fast-paced office. We’re big on teamwork, so we want to hire a team player who is willing to share the workload, and their best ideas, with the team.

Also, someone who won’t get upset when the rest of the team forgets that you came up with those great ideas. Or if we just blatantly ignore your contributions. But you can be sure that we will be amazed that you even have those bright ideas because look at you – a woman and/or minority, working in the same place with all these guys! How do you do it?!

No seriously, you should be prepared to tell us exactly how you came to learn about the topics you discuss with the team. And then be prepared for us not to believe you when you tell us. As our newest team member who is a woman or a minority, we will always challenge you to prove that you belong here with us. It’s one of the great ways we keep our team strong!

Another part of your job will be to handle administrative tasks such as filing, data entry, and coffee making because that makes sense! As well as managerial tasks that your supervisor feels are beneath him like mentoring interns. You’ll handle human resources issues – specifically any personal conflicts that may arise from just your being here. And other tasks as-needed.

“Other tasks” is basically shorthand for, “anything that needs to get done, but nobody else wants to deal with.” Doing these other tasks without complaining will earn you bonus points: temporarily resolving our doubts about why you deserve to be here, and therefore benign neglect from the more racist or sexist members of the team (again, temporarily). You rock!

As our newest team player we know you’ll go the extra mile, no matter what, to get the job done. You’ll go the extra mile because you’ll have the entire company watching you the whole time, wondering if you’re going to try and have a personal life while we throw seemingly endless “priorities” your way. Sick days, vacation time, family leave? Uh oh, sounds like somebody who can’t hack it with the big boys!

If hired, you give us permission to use your image to promote our Diverse Corporate Identity. So we’ll expect you to smile all the time at work, in case a photo is taken of you for promotional purposes.

Smiling at work will also reduce the awkward feelings our other employees may have about a different kind of member of the team working here. An abnormal member, you could say. Don’t take it personally! Us guys are just used to seeing people like you in commercials, or in news reports about crime or poverty. Awesome candidates will understand this social burden and will take it in stride.

While we’re pro-women and minorities (now), we’re also anti-micromanaging. You’ll have the flexibility to make the job your own – to do your thang! We’ll make sure not to tell you how to do your job. Which means you’ll have to figure out how to do everything, all by yourself. Don’t ask us how to do your job!

And if you make it past your six-month trial period you could be promoted to work as our Diversity Liaison. This promotion will not include any increase in pay or respect. But it will increase your workload as our token employee, since you’ll be expected to grow our numbers of diverse applicants in addition to your regular job duties.

Any failure to maintain excellence during the six-month trial period will result in termination. And we’ll be using you as our litmus test for all women and minorities. Not in a racist or sexist way, ’cause we proved we weren’t racist or sexist by hiring you in the first place. But in a “best fit for the team” kind of way. We’re all about supporting the team!

So come work for us as our newest, abnormal, token member of the team and see how much fun it can be to work here. Thanks for applying!

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