I know what you want. You want impact. You want to see it crunched in your core, pinched between your rhomboids, and printed on the side of your new member sunglasses, free in all regional locations except Carlsbad. But you also want to feel impact. That’s why we’re offering our most mindful membership to date: For every gym initiation fee you pay today we’ll send an initiation fee to a child in need.
When did things get this do-good, you ask? This morning. That’s when I received this inspiring email from a contact in my prospective sales list:
“Dear Gym email,
Need new gym. Lots of goals. Want a top-shelf ass, and also life of meaning. Is there parking?
Meg, 22, Solana Beach”
I’m thrilled to announce that thanks to our new program, Meg’s core can be both ripped and fulfilled. She can build a body worthy of Instagram while also championing a cause worthy of Instagram Stories. Parking validates for 90 minutes.
Here’s how it works: Once you activate your fitness journey (today, before 10PM), members of my team will scour their college networks for old friends who went nonprofit. We’ll connect on LinkedIn and ask them to refer us to children whom they’ve rescued. Qualifying children include the disadvantaged, the disabled, and the generally sad. Your child will then be sent a notice in the mail. From there, he/she will only have 30 days to unlock his/her fiercest potential.
“I’m confused. Does the kid get a free membership or is he just paying $115?” asks Lance, 33, San Diego.
Raw question. Restrictive mindset.
Remember that by paying your initiation fee today (soon, please), you’ll get premium access to the club. This includes 10% off all smoothies, grain bowls, and legible t-shirts, available to purchase online while standing in our store. On top of all that, you get to transform the life of a young person who’s maybe never even seen an initiation fee before.
“I guess I just don’t want some kid in Africa getting billed,” writes Ines, 28, San Diego. “That part is feeling a bit off to me.”
Who said he’d be from Africa? Around here, we don’t break the status quo; we enlighten it.
Speaking of en-lightening, you can shred some serious pounds with this next offer: If you upgrade your membership now to include yoga and pilates, you’ll help send Chase from the front desk to pharmacy school. He’s been talking about it a lot and needs a co-signer.
What’s there to think about? Like I always say to my 6AM shredders, to shrink your thighs, you need to expand your consciousness.
Still not sold? I’ll level with you. I know these perks are rad, but I also know they’re not enough to fly you to peak heights. To you—the consumer our agency told us about—life isn’t about shrinking your middles; it’s about winning your midterms. Fitness isn’t about biceps and triceps; it’s about bicycle cities and trying open relationships.
If you call in the next ten minutes, you’ll receive a free personal training session with a local beekeeper. Some estimates say mortality rates for bees have increased 33% in the last five years. But we all know that with just 50% more effort, you can achieve 200% more results.
NOTE: If you choose to buy the “send Chase to pharmacy school” benefit, we’ll have to do it through Docusign. The university has been so weird about this!
Want to get fit? Why not also bene-fit?
“About the beekeeper thing,” writes Emily, 33, South Bay. “The beekeeper brought his bees to the session, which I guess is to be expected, but I ended up getting stung multiple times.”
Feel the burn, and help people poorer than you earn.
Also, if you text me now saying you’ll do the gym, you’re qualified to take home all the straws our smoothie bar doesn’t use anymore and immediately throw them away on our behalf.
Around here we don’t dilly-dally; we rise-and-go-to-the-rally.
Oh, some final things on the kid deal. Initiation fee payment from children is accepted in cash or check. No pictures with the kid without a guardian’s signature or unless the kid is chill!
“I’m worried you’re not a person I should be emailing with,” writes Katy, 48, San Diego.
What I am worried about? Katy’s unconscious biases. To get ripped, we must unlearn, and to unlearn, we must pay initiation fees with my name listed as the salesperson in the box located in the upper right hand corner of the .PDF before 10PM tonight when my manager checks her email.
Also, starting now and now only, ALL INITIATION FEES ARE WAIVED as long as you sign up for the gym soon, please. See you on the mats, changemakers. The best self-care cares.