7 Retro Fashion Trends That Got Our Entire Family Slain

1.    High-Waisted Jeans – Unlike their hip-hugging counterpart, high-waisted jeans accentuate and celebrate the posterior. We never could have predicted that unbuttoning them after a particularly hearty supper of acorn hash, our sister Deidre’s umbilical hernia would explode. Rest easy now, Deidre. We miss you everyday.

2.    Neon – This intense pop of color is enough to brighten anyone’s day, and looks especially cheery against dark clothing. Neon green was what our Uncle Steven was wearing when he was shot by poachers while scavenging for supplies in the North Field. RIP Steven, forever in our hearts.

3.    Thin Framed Sunglasses – No, we’re not in the Matrix. But these totally 90’s frames could make you look twice! Unfortunately for Father, they don’t cover much of the actual eyes, so when The Mad Archer escaped his coniferous prison after a thousand years of entrapment, his first arrow was loosed clean through Father’s socket. Why did you leave us, Father? Can’t you hear our screams?

4.    Fanny Packs – Both trendy and practical, these adjustable pouches look great on the front, back, or the side! The lower half was all that was found of our cousin Josie after she left base to seek help from the Council of the Wood. Goodbye Josie. God has abandoned us.

5.    Chunky Sneakers – Comfortable and cute, this clunky kick has snuck its way back onto our feet and into our hearts! The snapping of twigs beneath heavy soles was all it took to get Mother snatched by a couple of Dark Warders sniping the southern border of the North Field. Mother, if you’re still alive, send help. We don’t have much time.

6.    Tie-Dye – this DIY pattern is a classic, and can be an afternoon of fun with the whole family! Sadly, the only dye we had on hand was the blood of the old horse we were forced to slaughter for meat. The scent of blood attracted a pack of Elder Wolves, who stalked and ate our brother Kevin. Damn you, Kevin. Now who will we sacrifice to the Council for protection?

7.    Shoulder Pads – Nothing says boss ass bitch like broad shoulders and sharp angles. Aunt Tammy’s surge of confidence abruptly ended when the Witch of the Wicker replaced her insides with maggots and set her on fire in front of the base. Our safe haven exposed, we now run wild in the North Field waiting for our demise. Aunt Tammy? Is that you whispering in our ears? It won’t be long now.

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